Nintendo Announces the 3DS XL, a Handheld for Obese American Children
Nintendo was chastized for its boring E3 presentation. Last night’s online Nintendo conference is likely the reason why. Not only did Nintendo announce a new iteration of its DS for fat American kids, it also dropped tidbits about big upcoming Nintendo games, like Super Smash Bros 4.
Nintendo of America confirmed that the XL-sized Nintendo 3DS will be coming to North America this summer.
Reggie Fils-Aime, president of Nintendo of America, confirmed the August 19th launch date during a Nintendo Direct presentation. The new system hits the same day as 3DS game New Super Mario Bros. 2.
The Nintendo 3DS XL will be priced at $199.99 and will include a 4GB memory card.
This is a wise decision by Nintendo. Americans are only getting fatter. Our sausage-like fingers cannot properly handle a normal-sized handheld videogame console. My only complaint is that Nintendo will not include a juvenille diabetes pump with the system (it is a 34.95 separate acessory).
E3, Comedy, and Me
E3 used to be one of the highlights of my year. In high school, I skipped lunch to watch choppy barely above 56K internet stream Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft’s press conferences. After school, I’d spend hours on video game forums debating who won E3, figuring out which rumors were true, and just generally nerding out. E3 was basiscaly when I could start making my Christmas list.
This year, I didn’t even know when it was.
Well, that isn’t totally accurate. I knew it was somewhere around May or June. I think one time recently they even pushed it as late as July. If not for “Wii U Gamepad” trending on Twitter, E3 might have come and gone without me even noticing.
This change really shows how much a change in identity can make former highlights seem silly. Up until college, I identified as “video game nerd”, but since college, I’ve firmly transitioned into “comedian”. Both are pretty silly, since I was almost always more of a fan of the fanboy forum console list warz, than the games themselves. Even though I’ve been writing and performing comedy for almost five years, I feel like I should be able to make some sort of money from it before I can seriously even consider calling myself a comedian.
My main hobby from 2002 - 2009.
Even with all of the time I spent arguing with friends and on forums about video games, like which version of Soul Calibur 2 had the best exclusive character (Answer: Gamecube, easily!), I never felt as separate from my immediate surroundings as I have since fully pursuing a comedy career. It’s a time consuming slog through dive bars and five-person audiences. It is tough explain to any non-comic why it is absolutely necessary to stay at bars for hours on end just to perform for 4-6 minutes. I can almost guarantee that you’ll be met with a “you must be crazy” look, mostly because I’ve seen it before.
Technological democratization has allowed for so many more creative comedic outlets, but on the downside, everyone else can have their own blog, podcast, tumblr, and sketch group too, so aspiring comics have to work even harder to stand out.
Some have praised the democratization of technology for destroying the calcified traditional comedy club -> Late night appearance -> comedy central -> fame and/or depression business model, but at least it was a plan. As someone who is uncomfortable with the current state of comedy’s chaos, I kind of long for a simpler plan (perfect).
That might be the biggest difference between my old gamer identity and my current comic identity. Games have a process and an end. They are finite by nature. Whenever I got stuck in an game, I could go to GameFAQs to figure out exactly where I was, how far from the end, and what I had to do to get there. None* of that exists in comedy, and it’s absolutely terrifying.
Comedy’s sole saving grace for me is that I really enjoy doing it. A lot. I enjoying stand up, writing, improve, sketch, blogging, and Twitter. When everything comes together, I feel the gears in my head perfectly clicking, giving myself that spark to keep going. Maybe I should have mentioned that earlier: I’m an android, but that is not entirely relevant here.
*”The Comedy Bible” exists, but it was written by someone who never really made it in comedy, so it doesn’t really count.
EA Announces “Kony 2013”
Los Angeles — Electronic Arts, the company behind the popular Madden NFL video game series, announced the next version in its new Kony series today at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or E3.
“At EA, we are dedicated to bringing the most realistic aspects of Kony 2012, then taking them up a notch for Kony 2013,” EA representative Connor Ellison said during the company’s E3 conference Monday.
In Kony 2013, players take the role of a group of young Americans tasked with utilizing social media and foreign atrocities in order to sell wristbands, t-shirts, and posters.
Kony 2013 features better graphics, an improved artificial intelligence system, and a robust online mode where people can play their social media campaigns against each other.
“We received a lot of feedback after Kony 2012, and what players wanted most was a way to compete against their friends to see who could get the most video reposts on Facebook,” Ellison said.
Kony 2013 is slated for a Fall 2012 release.