Alabama’s Blowout BCS Title Game Win Fails to Improve the State’s Dismal Education Record
Miami — Despite the University of Alabama football team’s third BCS National Championship win in four years, the school’s state has yet to improve its dismal secondary, undergraduate, and graduate rankings.
The blowout win against the University of Notre Dame, was called fairly early after the Crimson Tide gained a 21-0 lead in the first quarter.
Following the 42-14 final score, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said he was pleased with his squad’s dominant performance, but was concerned that his state still ranked 46th in High School graduation rate.
“I just don’t understand why Eddie Lacy’s 1st quarter touchdown didn’t improve junior high students’ literacy rate,” Saban said in a post-game interview.
Saban went on to say that he accepted the head coach position at Alabama to improve the states’ schools, not to win BCS titles. Unfortunately, the great on-field success has failed to translate to the state’s many underperforming schools.
Notre Dame is similarly disappointed in their performance last night, particularly because a win would not have only signaled a return to relevance, but also might have helped to decrease Indiana’s rampant crystal meth epidemic.
Area Twenty-Somethings Think Kickball Team Will Make Things Better
Toledo, Ohio — In a transparent and ultimately futile attempt to regain some of their youth, a group of mid-to-late 20-somethings thought that starting a kickball team will help them.
Kelly Ronson, a 28-year-old administrative assistant, spearheaded the move after noticing a distinct lack of excitement or variety in her life.
“I just got out of a relationship, and I’m not really looking for anything serious right now. Figured a kickball team would be a perfect way to just make friends and have fun,” Ms. Ronson said.
To fill out her team, Kelly sought others who were equally sad and pathetic.
Star kickball pitcher Cory VanHoet, joined the team because he recently moved to Toledo for work, and had no other idea how to make friends other than through playing a game for children who are too young to be trusted with bats.
VanHoet also said the team name, the Blue Barracudas, reminded him of the 90’s, when he was young and things were better because he had no responsibilities of his own.
“Now I have to do things, and it sucks,” VanHoet said.
The Blue Barracudas hope to make it to the regional adult kickball tournament, a convention of sadness for people who don’t know what they are doing with their lives.
“It’s a lot of fun so far. We work hard, but we play harder!” Ronson said before realizing her words, then slowly sobbing into her hands.
Report: Team Rocket to Join the Big Ten
Multiple sources with close knowledge of the situation confirmed today that Team Rocket, a criminal syndicate bent on using Pokemon to achieve world domination, will be the 14th member of the conference following the addition of the University of Maryland on Monday.
Team Rocket’s addition came as a surprise to many college football pundits, who had not expected such a left-field choice from a typically conservative conference.
Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney said today that the move will improve the conference’s media footprint, allowing their cable network to get subscribers in Kanto, Johto and possibly even Hoenn.
“Due to their numerous illegal and criminal schemes, Team Rocket is both a national and a global brand. We believe that this move will solidify the Big Ten’s position as a leader in collegiate athletics,” Delaney said.
Due to exit fees, Team Rocket is not expected to begin playing in the Big Ten until 2015, when it will begin competing in all sports.
Team Rocket mafia boss and head football coach Giovanni said he is excited for the move, and expects the membership to be a “great front for expanded criminal enterprise.
NFL Negotiates With Job-Killing Referee Union
This is a guest piece by conservative blogger, Fox News contributor, paralegal, and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.
The NFL referee union lockout has created a lot of hubbub in the media, both liberal and real, about the need to negotiate a deal, especially after the end of Monday’s Packers-Seahawks game. Well let me tell you, I wish the NFL had not caved. While the Refs Union might not be as toxic and unpatriotic as teachers unions, they still deserve scorn.
Some people said, “but the refs blew a call! They don’t know the rules!” Well, I say that’s okay. Obama’s job-killing regulations have hurt our economy beyond repair. Green Bay didn’t lose that game because of a bad call, they lost because the invisible hand of the market said they should lose.
Not only that, but this job puts hundreds of regular-joe amateur referees out of work, forcing them to return to referee-ing Division III football games and the trollops in the Lingerie Football League. So what if they aren’t as elitist as the union refs. If they were so good, why do they need a union. In fact, why not let the refs’ jobs be tied to the standardized test scores of the NFL players!
It is rampant communism like this that reinforces my choice to vote Romney/Ryan 2012. They have promised to take a stand against corrupt unions like these, and return them to the free market and crying bald eagles America.
Nation Cheers Return of Young Men Hitting Each Other, Causing Lifelong Physical Damage
Arlington, Texas — Tonight’s marquee college football match-up between The University of Michigan Wolverine and the defending-champion University of Alabama Crimson Tide marks the first big Saturday of the college football season, where hundreds of young men will sustain injuries that will plague them for the rest of their lives.
During the season, football fans all across this great nation will cheer on their teams as the players risk their bodies on the gridiron in pursuit of a crystal football, without promise of lifelong healthcare.
“That hit was insane! The dude got absolutely lit up by one of our guys, so this is good!” Michigan State University Sophmore Dorian Nixon said during Friday’s game against Boise State University.
Unbeknownst to Nixon, the injuries in this game will lead to that player losing the ability to walk at age 38.
As the season roars ahead and stake rise, players will be encouraged to endure great pains, ignore concussions, and exert their bodies beyond what God intended, without pay.
Despite all of this, the players themselves don’t seem to mind.
“Been playing since pee-wee (football), I just love the game. Wouldn’t give it up for anything,” offensive lineman Jamar Wilkins said prior to a game where he will lose all sensation from the neck down following a particularly strong hit early in the third quarter.
Mitt Romney Dissed by David Cameron After Critisizing London Olympics
Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney began a European tour this week in order to display his foreign policy credentials. The trip began on a bad note following comments by a Romney Campaign staffer that Barack Obama doesn’t understand Anglo-saxons.
Now, Romney decided to weigh in on the preparations for the London Olympics.
The dustup began Wednesday, as Romney, who ran the 2002 Salt Lake City games, said there were “disconcerting” signs in the days before this year’s games.
“The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials — that obviously is not something which is encouraging,” he told NBC News.
He basically called out London and the UK government for not running the Olympics as well as he did in 2002. Unfortunately for Romney, UK Prime Minister David Cameron shut Romney down.
“We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course, it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere,” he (Cameron) said
This is a damning burn for Romney, but his fail also gives us the chance to analyze Romney’s Olympics claim.
Mitt Romney did not run the Olympics. Mitt Romney ran the Winter Olympics. This is no disrespect to Picaboo Street or the Jamaican bobsled team, but there are stark differences between the Olympics and the Winter Olympics. For starters, nobody besides Mitt Romney thinks “Winter Olympics” when someone says “Olympics”.
THINGS THAT ARE LIKE SAYING “OLYMPICS” BUT MEANING “WINTER OLYMPICS”
“I’m going to Disneyland!” - obviously not Euro Disneyland
“Not sure who I will vote for for President” - not homeowners association president
“I love old school Nintendo!” - not talking about Nintendo 64
“Getting laid tonight!” - not a person getting picked up, then set down else
“Dude, you got so smashed last night” - not someone speaking to his friend who is in an intensive care unit because he got ran over by a train but narrowly survived.
Source: The Huffington Post
NCAA Goes Easy on Penn State, Doesn’t Order a Corpse Trial
This morning,the NCAA announced sancations against Penn State in relation to the Jerry Sandusky child molestation scandal. The scandal escalated when the Freeh Report revealed damning allegations against The Penn State administration, as well as former had coach Joe Paterno. While Penn State was spared the “death penalty”, it did recieve a number of punishments, including:
- $60 Million fine
- Forfeit all wins from 1998-2011
- Four year post-season ban
- Loss of 20 scholarships over 4 years
Unlike UN sanctions, these punishments will have real and lasting effects on the Penn State football program, but I do not believe that they go far enough.
As I have mentioned earlier, I do not believe that the healing process can truly begin until the body of Joe Paterno is exhumed, propped on a witness stand, and forced to answer for its/his crimes. The NCAA dropped ther ball by not punishing Penn State this way.
“Brand Police” to Patrol the UK During Olympics
The London Olympics will start soon, giving people all around a singular focus through which they can ignore numerous atrocities like Syria and instead blog about Michael Phelps or Pikaboo Street. Since the Olympics are such a massive financial engine for the surrounding areas, the London Olympics have dispatched “Brand Police” to enforce the carefully curated brands of things like Coca-Cola and McDonald’s.
Hundreds of uniformed Olympics officers will begin touring the country today enforcing sponsors’ multimillion-pound marketing deals, in a highly organised mission that contrasts with the scramble to find enough staff to secure Olympic sites.
Almost 300 enforcement officers will be seen across the country checking firms to ensure they are not staging “ambush marketing” or illegally associating themselves with the Games at the expense of official sponsors such as Adidas, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola and BP. The clampdown goes on while 3,500 soldiers on leave are brought in to bail out the security firm G4S which admitted it could not supply the numbers of security staff it had promised.
Yesterday, the Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, refused to rule out that even more soldiers may be called upon to help with security, but dismissed the issue as merely a “hitch”. However, as well as the regular Army, the Olympic “brand army” will start its work with a vengeance today.
Imagine a world where you can ask strangers why they are wearing those glasses, or what that tattoo is supposed to say about his or her personal brand. That world is now. The Brand Police even have power to punish people.
Wearing purple caps and tops, the experts in trading and advertising working for the Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) are heading the biggest brand protection operation staged in the UK. Under legislation specially introduced for the London Games, they have the right to enter shops and offices and bring court action with fines of up to £20,000.
In this age of rampant piracy, it is commendable that London is keeping up with the times by creating a division of law enforcement to ensure appropriate brand usage. Social groups and norm used to enforce brands, but with the rise of niche internet communities, it is easier for people to hide in obscurity.
Britain has also released a list of guidelines to ensure that brands aren’t infringed upon.
The Olympics legislation bans the use by unauthorised businesses (non-sponsors) of ‘controlled representations’, depending on the context. This is the list of ‘controlled representations’:
The Olympic Symbol (the five interlocking rings)
The Olympic Motto (Citius Altius Fortius’ / ‘Faster Higher Stronger’
The Paralympic Symbol (the three ‘agitos’)
The Paralympic Motto (‘Spirit in Motion’)
Two thousand and twelve
Remember not to use “2012” or “Summer” during the Olympics, or else you get thrown in one of the Tower prisons where the Queen will personally scoff at you daily.
I hope Britain keeps the brand police after the election, and thatb it spreads worldwide. Had Brand Police existed earlier, Dane Cook would not have had to be paranoid about a newer comic stealing his copy of Essence Magazine.
Are the Brand Police the 21st century equivalent of Karma Police?
Brand Police, arrest This man he’s wearing plaid
He’s a big fan of the mighty ducks trilogy especially D3
Brand Police, arrest this girl, her stawberry blonde hair’s resting up in curls
Washes dishes like it’s 1943.
This is what you’ll get
This is what you’ll get
When you use Google +
For a minute there
I rebranded myself
I rebranded myself
Freeh Report Reveals Massive Corruption at Penn State. Should Paterno Have a Corpse Trial?
An extensive report detailing the lack of moral fortitude on the part of Penn State Football coaches and university administration was released today. The report claimed that former head coach Joe Paterno knowingly covered up Jerry Sandusky’s rape of young children.
Unfortunately for the public, Joe Paterno will never have to face these charges in the court of law because he “conveniently” died earlier this year. Fortunately, there is precedent for this sort of situation.
The Cadaver Synod (also called the Cadaver Trial or, in Latin, the Synodus Horrenda) is the name commonly given to the posthumous ecclesiastical trial of Catholic Pope Formosus, held in the Basilica of St. John Lateran in Rome during January of 897.
The trial was conducted by Formosus’s successor, Pope Stephen (VI) VII. Stephen accused Formosus of perjury and of having acceded to the papacy illegally. At the end of the trial, Formosus was pronounced guilty and his papacy retroactively declared null. The Cadaver Synod is remembered as one of the most bizarre episodes in the history of the medival papacy.
Considering that Paterno claimed to be a devout Catholic, this would be the appropriate route to pursue at this point.
Jeremy Lin to go to Houston Rockets Because God Picked Tebow Over Him
Jeremy Lin exploded in popularity after a successful winning streak with the Knicks last season. Unfotunately, things started going downhill for Lin after former Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow, was traded to the Jets , which made New York the holiest city in sports. Then, Lin’s knee injury proved that God prefers Tebow. It only makes sense that Lin would flee to another city.
A report in The New York Post, citing a league source, said the Rockets were planning to offer Lin a backloaded deal worth roughly $30 million. According to the same source, the deal would pay Lin $5 million in the first season, $5.2 million in the second, and then would increase to as much as $10 million per year in the third and fourth seasons.
“Jeremy Lin’s an excellent player,” Rockets general manager Daryl Morey told The Post. “We got to know him firsthand when he was with the Rockets early this season. We think he’d make a fantastic addition to our team.”
While both Lin and the Knicks are hoping for a reunion, sources have told ESPN The Magazine’s Chris Broussard that if any clubs offer Lin a backloaded contract that pays him an eight-figure salary in the third and fourth years, the Knicks could be hesitant to match the offer.
This will be a good move for Lin, who will be able to get the clear uninterrupted support of The Almighty instead not playing second fiddle to Tebow in New York.
Obama Uses His WILDLY UNCHECKED EXECUTIVE POWER to End the BCS
President King Obama is on a rampage again! For the third consecutive week, Obama has used his wildly unchecked executive power to halt deportations of law-abiding illegal immigrants and deny congress documents pertaining to operation Fast and Furious. Now, Obama ended the Bowl Championship Series, the controversial college football championship system.
“Come 2014, the BCS is dead. A committee of university presidents on Tuesday approved the BCS commissioners’ plan for a four-team playoff to start in the 2014 season.
“The move completes a six-month process in which the commissioners have been working on a new way to determine a college football champion. Instead of simply matching the No. 1 and No. 2 teams in the country in a championship game after the regular season, the way the Bowl Championship Series has done since 1998, the new format will create a pair of national semifinals. No. 1 will play No. 4, No. 2 will play No. 3.”
Sure, Obama didn’t explicitly have anything to do with the end of the BCS, but I am sure the university presidents were fearful that Obama would come after them next. Like most of his subjects, Obama has never been a fan of the BCS.
The Obama administration is considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series, the Justice Department said in a letter Friday to a senator who had asked for an antitrust review.
In the letter to Sen. Orrin Hatch, obtained by The Associated Press, Assistant Attorney General Ronald Weich wrote that the Justice Department is reviewing Hatch’s request and other materials to determine whether to open an investigation into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.
This is clearly just a cheap move by the Obama campaign to appeal to the south, who will now send four teams to the BCS final four every year.
God picks Tebow Over Lin
New York — The New York Knicks announced today that patient zero of Linsanity, Jeremy Lin, will be out for six weeks after he undergoes surgery for a torn meniscus in his left knee.
As I reported earlier, the press exploded when former Denver Broncos QB was kicked out/released to the New York Jets, mostly because they had nothing better to do but also because it would be the collision of two huge storylines. Sports are all about storylines.
Anyway, Lin’s surgery clearly shows that God intends for Tebow to be his #1 rep in New York City. This must hurt for Lin, who did a great job representing himself, his religion, and most importantly, allowing borderline racist puns in sports media.
This is a huge blow to people who like to project their beliefs and aspirations onto people who get paid large sums of money to stay in shape and play a game.
Tebow Heads to the Jets. Is New York the “Holiest City in Sports?”
The most recent NFL and NBA seasons have been huge for fans of projecting culture wars onto individuals who get paid millions of dollars to play a game and stay in shape. Yesterday, former Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow was traded to the NY Jets because they now have Peyton Manning. Tebow must feel hurt that the Broncos would take a broken QB past his prime over a Heisman trophy winning QB who kind of did better than expected for a few games.
With Knicks star Jeremy Lin already in NYC, this makes it the holiest town in all of pro sports.
More importantly, Tebow and Lin have the potential to become the dynamic duo of sports memes. After just one season of both in the spotlight, we got the boring “Tebowing” meme and the equally lazy “let’s make everything a pun of Lin” meme.
Hopefully, this tea-up will inspire sports headlines to new heights like, “New York has the Mandate of Heaven.”
Area College Student Redshirts Freshman Year
Kalamazoo, Mich — Eric Johnson, an 18 year-old from Grand Rapids, has chosen to forgo any meaningful education achievement during his first year of college. Johnson claims that there are already a lot of really good students in college, and that he won’t get any purposeful opportunities to learn until at least his sophomore year.
“The classes I’m taking now are pretty lame. I have to take remedial algebra because I dropped out of my math class senior year of high school,” the redshirt freshman said between rounds of Modern Warfare 3.
During most of his classes, Mr. Johnson helps the upperclassmen by scoring poorly on assignments, thus lowering the curve for the entire class.
“I know that the upperclassmen have all paid their dues, so that’s what I’m doing now,” Mr. Johnson said.
Due to increasing requirements of degree programs and the uncertainty of employment following graduation, many college students across the country have begun redshirting their freshman years for the same reason as Mr. Johnson.
In related news, University of Florida freshman Natasha Morrison took a medical redshirt following an unexpected pregnancy. It is uncertain if she will continue or transfer to a college where she can get more learning time.