Kony 2012 Campaign of Terror Pledges to Continue
Uganda — Lord’s Resistance Army leader Joesph Kony released a statement through his Kony 2012 campaign of terror pledging to stay in the racial genocide business for at least another four years.
“The Kony 2012 campaign stays committed to reaching out to key minority groups in an attempt to discern how to best eliminate all of them,” A Kony campaign aide said early Tuesday.
Many experts saw Kony’s long history of mixing religious zealotry with genocide as preparation for his inevitable formal campaign, which kicked in March with a 30-minute campaign video outlining his career accomplishments.
Kony’s Campaign Kick-off Video
A new Rasmussen poll has Kony polling around 70 percent favorable rating among people who are not on his bad side, while a similar poll of likely-to-be-viciously-murdered poll has Kony at a record low .00001 percent.
In related news, the Brony 2012 campaign continues its struggle to attract supporters who are not post-post-ironic manchildren.
2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game Moderators Announced
While the presidential debates between President Obama and Governor Romney have no real chance of matching the highs of the 2011 GOP debates or the 2008 VP debate, they still are a time-honored tradition that allows political pundits to be more like ESPN post-game analysts and say a lot of empty words to fill time between ads for gold and cialis. The details are:
On Oct. 3, Jim Lehrer of PBS NewsHour will moderate the first of three televised debates between President Obama and Republican Mitt Romney. The Denver debate will focus on domestic policy.
On Oct. 11, Martha Raddatz of ABC News will moderate the sole debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, in Danville, Ky.
On Oct. 16, Crowley will moderate the second presidential debate, in Hempstead, N.Y. Unlike the other debates, it will be a town hall-style discussion, with questions coming primarily from “undecided voters” selected by the Gallup polling organization.
On Oct. 22, Bob Schieffer of CBS News will host the final presidential debate, in Boca Raton, Fla. It will focus on foreign policy.
Since Romney and Obama are fairly stiff, boring individuals, the drinking games associated with the debates will be the only way to squeeze a modicum of pleasure from the ” You want to kill medicare/No U!” that will inevitably dominate the debates.
DRINKING GAME RULES
October 3rd Domestic Policy Debate - Focus on Unemployment, Healthcare, Immigration, Education
Drink When Someone Says/Does: Tax, job(s), Medicare, Europe, unemployment, job creator, health reform, obamacare, romneycare, health reform, immigrants, deportation, undocumented workers (liberal)/Illegal immigrants (conservative), Obama smirks, Romney cackles.
October 11th Vice-Presidential Debate - Focus on not saying anything dumb to hurt the top of the ticket
Drink When Someone Says/Does - Pretty much same as above, when you imagine Paul Ryan naked, when your imagined naked Paul Ryan morphs into Ron Paul, when you imagine Sarah Palin naked for old times’ sake.
October 16th - Town Hall Debate by “Undecided” Voters - Hear political questions from the person in front of you in the line at a restaurant who just now chose to explore every option on the menu when you only have ten minutes left on your break and you can’t be late again or else it will be a written warning instead of a verbal warning. That is the type of person who will decide this election. Of course they got a woman to moderate this debate, considering that WOMEN BE INDECISIVE amirite? Periods.
Drink When Someone Says/Does: Unemployed, single-mother/parent, kids, college, “what does x mean for me”, a slight pause while asking a question indicating narrowly avoided racism/sexism/or all-purpose ignorance.
October 11th Foreign Policy Debate - Focus mostly on Middle-East wars, trade with China, Eurozone Debt Crisis, and maybe a little Syria sprinkled in for good measure.
Drink When Someone Says/Does: Iraq, Iran, China, North Korea, Russia, Syria, Euro, default, Germany, Greece, democracy, Afghanistan, apologizing for America (conservative), when Obama is asked a question about emerging BRIC nations but you can tell by his eyes that he just wants to say “I killed Bin Laden come at me bro!”, trade, exports, imports, Beijing.
Obama’s Death Panels Take First Victim Following Campaign Stop at Ohio Diner
Ever since Chief Justice Robert sided with the liberal wing of the Supreme Court on Obamacare, real Americans have waited int error for the first victim of Obama’s death panels. Unfortunately for apple pie and bald eagles, that day has come.
Yesterday, the President made a campaign stop at a small diner in Akron, where, like one of Galactus’ heralds, revealed that he would soon destroy the owner of this small business because Obama hates _____________.
For Josephine “Ann” Harris, however, none came close to President Barack Obama visiting her West Akron restaurant. He was her hero.
Harris, who didn’t know Obama planned to visit until earlier that morning, sat at a booth with a wet towel around her neck.
The Death Panels arrive announced, leaving the soon-to-be-condemned to scramble proof that they are worth getting health care or something (that’s how this works, right?)
Within hours of Obama’s visit, Harris,
who had been ill for some time, complained of fatigue and a tingling feeling. She was rushed to Akron General Medical Center, where she died about 11:15 a.m., according to the Summit County Medical Examiner’s Office
The panel acts quickly, drawing a verdict long before poor Ms. Harris could even appeal their decision to end her life.
Harris had no idea Obama would make a stop at her small diner, which she had owned for about 30 years. Her daughter came and picked her up, and they hurried to the restaurant.
One can only imagine how many elderly small business owners, cool grandpas, and eccentric uncles Obama will sentence to death over the course of the campaign, but conservative estimates expect at least 2 million sentences by the end of the 2012 campaign.
SCANDAL: Obama 2012 Campaign Steals Slogan From MSNBC of all Places
Despite some successes, President Obama still faces a rough reelection campaign. His 2008 slogan, “Change”, won’t work on the jaded masses now. Fortunately, they have crafted a new slogan designed to keep Obama in the Oval Office.
At first, Forward seems good. It’s simple, chantable, and hashtag-able, all of which are required in modern politics. “I Like Ike” never would have trended on Twitter, mostly because Twitter didn’t exist then.
Anyway, the big news here is that the Obama campaign finally admits it is in the pocket of third or fourth rated cable news channel, MSNBC.
The resemblance is uncanny. Either the Obama campaign clearly decided to steal from MSNBC in hopes of catching the prison TV show viewer demographic, which could be critical to his reelection efforts, or the campaign likes the idea and was sure it would be fresh to America at-large since nobody watches MSNBC.
Time will only tell if MSNBC reacts to this blatant creative theft. I expect Rachel Maddow to “ether” the Obama campaign tonight on her show.