U.S. Dept.of Synergy to Touch Base With 75% of Americans by Q3 2018
Washington — Following calls for incresed vertical integration and workflow streamlining, U.S. Synergy Secretary Henry Dawson announced an initiative to touch base with 75 percent of Americans by mid-quarter 3.
The move, outlined in a 25 panel deck during a mid-morning power-huddle, contains at three distinct phases.
“We still have a cuss and discuss about a few issues on the Chinese menu, but we should be ready to ramp up the cross-sectional reviews in time for our Q3 pipeline, provided we minimize pushback,” Sec. Dawson said.
Many pundits believe that the Synergy Department is downplaying potential downstream conflicts, particularly the chance that pipeline schedules could easily delay base touching to as far as Q2 2019.
Change in Pocket Used to Rationalize Over $75 in App Purchases
Tempe, Ariz — Local seventh grade Biology teacher Mike DiSanto purchased Angry Birds on his iPhone today, bringing his total amount of money spent on apps to $75.
DiSanto’s behavior began when he first purchased an iPhone 3GS two years ago.
“At first I told myself that I wouldn’t waste money on cheap little games, but then they turned out to be cooler than I thought.
While slow at first, DiSanto’s app purchasing intensified as he became used to his new smartphone. As of October 2011, the change in his pocket rationalized up to three app purchases per week.
When asked if he felt the $75, which could have been spent on football tickets, a night on the town with friends, or any other activity, was excessive, DiSanto disagreed.
“I just bought a sandwich at lunch, so I’ve got at least $1.13 in my pocket.”
DiSanto then bought five apps prior to the conclusion of this interview.
In related news, 5 Android app developers were robbed at gunpoint by Android users today after being asked to “pay” for android apps.
Future Captain of Industry Vomits on Self
Columbia University junior and future Wall Street executive Tyler Phillips vomited on himself during day three of a Spring Break bender.
The incident occurred Thursday morning at 1:45 AM. Mr. Phillips argued with a bouncer, resulting in the future multi-millionaire being ejected from the club.
Mr. Phillips issued a comment to Twitter the following morning, saying “Fuck, where’s my wallet?”
The future Hedge fund manager will end up buying that bar and Twitter in 2024.
While this incident embarrassed Mr. Phillips, it will in no way be as embarrassing as when the picture of the vomit-covered Phillips is leaked during his 2032 Presidential run.
