BREAKING: Mitt Romney to Run for Pope
Vatican City — Despite the short timeframe since his loss to Incumbent President Barack Obama last November, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced his intention to run for the soon-to-be-vacted top Papal office.
Romney, a devout Mormon, announced his plans in a press release issued only seconds after the Vatican revealed that Pope Benedict’s resignation effective February 28th.
“I learned many lessons from the 2012 campaign. Chief among this is to never stop trying, no matter what. I see Pope Benedict’s resignation as a sign from the Almighty. Maybe I was not meant to be President, but I am meant to be Pope.”
Romney balked at critics who argue that his devout Mormon past will get in the way of his 2013 Papal run, saying that he had no problems changing policy positions during his Presidential bids and that as a former “turnaround artist”, he knows how to revive dying institutions.
“The Catholic Church in America is shrinking. Parishes are closing, and churches are being consolidated day-by-day. I know how to fix that!
The former governor plans to begin his campaign today in Vatican City, where he will meet with key members of the College of Cardinals. Romney said he looks forward to gaining their support, also noting that the College of Cardinals is a much fairer election system than the Electoral College.
Would Mitt Romney Have Been the First Black President?
Mitt Romney lost the 2012 presidential election, leaving conservatives with many questions. chief among them, though, is “Would Mitt Romney be the first black president?”
(Would have been) 45. Mitt Romney
Would he have been the first black president?
No.
Would he be the first president in the black?
No, that was Jefferson.
Would Mitt Romney have been the president most in the black financially?
Yes
Nations’ Liberals Glad They Can Finally Criticize Obama
Just seconds after Barack Obama’s victory, millions of exasperated liberals, democrats, and progressives were relieved to finally be able to critique the president.
Liberals, who, while long disappointed with what many describe as an at most, “center-right politician”, played down their critiques out of fear of the alternative.
“I mean, I’m glad Obama won and all, but fuck that guy and his drones, seriously,” MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow said during election coverage last night.
Progressives were glad that the president was able to pass things like Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, Affordable Care Act, and student loan reform, most progressives described the legislation as being a solid start, but not anywhere near where it should be.
On foreign policy, Liberals have chastised Obama for his use of automated predator drone attacks in Afghanistan and Pakistan, describing them as the same type of executive branch abuse that George W. Bush used.
“I could believe in that change, if it had actually happened,” librarian Gary Janaris said.
Obama Campaign Releases Final Ad
Washington D.C. — The Obama Campaign released its final ad today in advance of Tuesday’s election. The ad, which is only about 30 seconds, was described by Obama Campaign Senior Strategist David Axelrod as “the most compelling argument against a Mitt Romney presidency.”
The ad features the former governor at a campaign stop in 2008, where he sings the Baha Men hit “Who Let The Dogs Out” while standing with a group of urban youths.
“Health reform, fair pay for women, don’t ask don’t tell repeal. The president has done enough to earn a second term, but this final ad contains the most compelling argument against a Mitt Romney presidency,” Axelrod said. “Can we really be sure that Romney won’t try to do Gangnam Style with Chinese leaders in 2014? It’s two years old and not even the right country for Pete’s sake!
The Romney Campaign quickly responded with a press release.
“This is just another example of the other side using personal attacks instead of offering solutions to fix the economy. The governor has even taken a pledge not to use internet memes during his presidency.”
October 2012 Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
It is never too early to begin planning for a Halloween costume, particularly considering the potential gravity of the choice. A knockout Halloween costume can have people talking for weeks, while a lame “rip up some thrift store clothes, put blood and makeup on, and call it a day” will be forgotten while you sweat it all off at a Halloween party.
The following list are the most culturally relevant costumes for Halloween 2k12 as of October.
MEN
3. Felix Baumgartner (LM: Unranked) - Felix’s jump from the edge of space (sponsored by RED BULL) captured eyes around the world. Thankfully, he succeeded, or else a lot of people would be scarred for life.
What you need: A space suit, balls, RED BULL
2. Psy (LM: #1) - Gangnam Style continues its musical conquest for a second month, allowing an easy costume, provided you can do the dance.
What you need: A flashy suit, sunglasses, knowledge of the actual dance. DO NOT DO YELLOW FACE I REPEAT DO NOT DO YELLOW FACE. This is Halloween, not Hollywood
1. Big Bird (LM: Unranked) - Big Bird rocketed back to national discourse following Mitt Romney’s promise to consider de-funding PBS if he is elected. Because this is shiny, we ran this meme into the ground.
What you need: A Big Bird costume, maybe a PBS logo.
Honorable Mention: Binders full of women Mitt Romney
WOMEN
3. Martha Raddatz (LM: Unranked) - ABC News reporter Martha Raddatz easily won the “best moderator award for her strict management of the Vice Presidential debate, especially in light of PBS’ Jim Lehrer failing to control the discourse during the first debate.
What you need: A suit, rapid fact-checking ability
2.Conservative Pundit Nicki Minaj (LM: #1) -Conventional wisdom says that Republicans generally don’t have much support from rap, but rapper and also new American Idol judge Nicki Minaj made her first foray into political punditry by endorsing Romney in a verse on Lil Wayne’s new mix tape. Is a Fox News primetime show in her future?
What you need: Lady Gaga’s rejected costumes, pink hair dye, Atlas Shrugged
1. Big Bird - (LM: Unranked) - Even though Big Bird is male, he is still a costume option for ladies who want to make jokes about Republicans defunding PBS.
What you need: Something yellow, maybe a few feathers.
Honorable Mention: Katniss from The Hunger Games
September 2012 Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
Trump Offers $5,000,000 to Anyone Who Can Help Him Feel Human Again
New York City — Wealthy businessman, former Republican presidential candidate, and reality TV star Donald Trump released a statement today offering $5 Million to any American who can make him feel like a member of the human race, if only for a few seconds.
Trump, who has been a fixture of the 2012 campaign even after dropping out of the race early, has continued asking for President Obama’s birth certificate in addition to holding multiple fundraisers for GOP nominee Mitt Romney.
The statement in full is as follows.
My fellow Americans, I come to you today not as a millionaire, but as a burned out-husk of what used to resemble a homo-sapien. Somewhere along the line, maybe after my first failed marriage or my first successful bankruptcy, I lost sight of what it truly means to live. I have buildings, helicopters, and award-winning golf-courses with my name on them, yet, the void inside grows larger with each passing day.
I thought getting into politics would give me purpose. Instead, I am now at what I hope is the bottom of a dark, fruitless pursuit to validate racial prejudices and otherism. I had no other option but to offer $5 Million for the president’s college transcripts and passports. It was double or nothing.
This is why I humbly ask someone, anyone, teach me how to feel true emotions again. This isn’t about love or sex. I can buy those things. This is about re-learning how to appreciate the first snowfall, a baby’s face, or how to interact with others without listing all of my boats
Please hurry. I fear that I have little time until the black hole inside my soul completely annihilates all traces of my existence.
Trump does require that all candidates be gorgeous nubile women between the ages of 18- 25, preferably blonde.
Shadowy Sesame Street SuperPAC Releases Pro-Romney Ad
As I predicted last week, a secretive, shadowy SuperPAC released an ad today regarding Mitt Romney’s statements about defunding PBS during last week’s first Presidential Debate. However, I was wrong about the direction. This ad is supporting Romney’s decision to go after “Sesame Street” instead of “Wall Street”?
One can only speculate on how voters will react to such a hardline stance on TV show for kids and also the Afghanistan War’s birthday was Sunday an d you didn’t even get it a present.
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SCANDAL : Romney Caught Being Sincere for First Time This Campaign. Will He Use the R.Kelly/Shaggy Defense?
Mitt Romney has long been lam basted by people on both sides of the aisle for appearing wooden and conviction-less because of his wooden delivery and various views on the same topics. Now, the mainstream media is attacking Romney for speaking with some conviction for once.
There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.
You can practically feel the fire in his belly as he speaks with disdain for the dirty democrat poors. This conviction was completely absent from his statements about the trees in Michigan being the right height.
Surprisingly, Romney has not employed the Shaggy/R Kelly “It wasn’t me on the tape even though it looks an d sounds just like me” defense. He must be pretty sure of his statements in order to not back down.
“They caught me speaking at a fundraiser”
It wasn’t me
“Talking down about the working class”
It wasn’t me
“Even created a new 47 percent meme”
It wasn’t me
They even caught it on camera!”
It wasn’t me
Similarly, R. Kelly is known for winning a trial where there was a video of him pissing on an underage girl by claiming that the guy who was in the video was not him. Romney figuratively pissed on the 47 percent of Americans who don’t pay income tax for a variety of reasons (GOP lowering income tax rates intentionally, the elderly, students, and umeployed).
The media should stop attacking Romney and instead applaud him for being honest, even if his honesty reveals him to be a vile, borderline-cartoonish villain who has little sympathy for the groups who make up that 47 percent “moocher class”, which includes the elderly, students, and the unemployed.
Source: Mother Jones
Mitt Romney: “If Elected, I Promise to Change Labor Day to Job Creator Day”
During a speech in an Iowa campaign stop, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney spoke to the crowd of farmers and unemployed workers about his plan to save the economy and bring back jobs.
Romney spoke about creating a more business-friendly tax code and reducing environmental regulations, but his most interesting idea came late in his speech.
“Barack Obama has endlessly attacked upstanding businessmen like myself, something I will fix during my time in office. The first step is to get the nation refocused on the real engine of the economy, which is why I will work with congress to rename Labor Day to Job Creator Day,” Romney said.
The GOP candidate went on to say that for too long, the nation has overly glorified labor. He hopes that this change will make more Americans thankful to wealthy businessmen, who generously allow us to work to feed our families, sometimes even with health insurance, benefits, and two weeks of vacation time.
Romney did not stop there. He also announced plans to sell naming rights to all official Federal Holidays.
“People love the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, so why not just take it a step further and sell the entire day to Macy’s,” Romney said.
The Romney campaign suggests that the rights could generate over $1.5 Billion over the next ten years.
Other holiday proposals include “Bud Light’s New Year’s New Beers Day”, “Kentucky Fried Christmas”, “Chik-fil-Arbor Day”,” Martin Luther King Junior Mints Day” and “Tyler Perry’s Fourth of July Did I Get Married.”
August Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
It is never too early to begin planning for a Halloween costume, particularly considering the potential gravity of the choice. A knockout Halloween costume can have people talking for weeks, while a lame “rip up some thrift store clothes, put blood and makeup on, and call it a day” will be forgotten while you sweat it all off at a Halloween party.
The following list are the most culturally relevant costumes for Halloween 2k12 as of August.
With both the Olympics and the Republican National Convention, There have been plenty of memeable moments that can be translated into viable Halloween costumes.
MEN
3. Ryan Lochte (LM: Unranked) - While Michael Phelps made history as the winningest Olympian ever, Ryan Lochte got the lion’s share of media attention and ire with his deep tweets , typically concluded with a #Jeah
What you need: A speedo and a gold medal.
2. Paul Ryan (LM: Unranked) - Mitt Romney pick for Vice-President, Ryan has been a bolt to Romney’s campaign, with people focusing on his 8 percent body fat, P90X regiment, and multitude of creative truths during his Republican National Convention
What you need: A suit, piercing midwestern eyes, a widow’s peak.
1. Clint Eastwood and Invisible Obama (LM: Unranked) - I was ready to give Paul Ryan the top spot until, last night at the RNC, a shining moment of cultural relevance occurred when Eastwood scolded an invisible Obama via an empty chair next to him. It has been less than 24 hours, and we already have two memes from it.
What you need: An empty chair, early stages of dementia.
girls
3. Katniss (LM: #1) - The release of The Hunger Games on DVD/Blu-Ray keeps the archer in the rankings.
What you need: Leotard, bow/arrow
2. Serena Williams - Serena was embroiled in controversy when she crip walked after winning the Olympic Gold in Women’s Tennis, thus forcing Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker to join a gang.
What you need: Tennis outfit, racket, ability to crip walk.
1. Pussy Riot - The Russian band gained popularity after being tried and convicted for speaking out against Vladamir Putin. Pussy Riot garnered worldwide support, even from Chinese beachgoers.
What you need: A pastel-colored gimp mask, or a cheap winter hat with holes cut for the eyes and mouth.
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July 2012 Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
Chris Christie Pretty Much Declares His Candidacy for the 2016 GOP Nomination
Tampa, FL— New Jersey Governor Chris Christie essentially declared his intention to run for President in 2016 during his Republican Convention keynote address.
“Let’s be real, the only thing standing between me and the White House are 100 lbs. I already plan to begin my new diet and exercise regiment the day after the 2012 presidential election,” Christie said.
The news, which surprised absolutely no one, came on the heels of several other speeches from other GOP superstars who are probably running in 2016, like South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley
Hurricane Issac Unsure if he Can Live Up to Hurricane Katrina
New Orleans — While Hurricane Issac stole the spotlight from the Republican National Convention, the mass of heated air, clouds, and storms is not confident he can live up to his older sister’s reputation.
“Katrina was one of the greats, maybe even the greatest,” Issac said as he barrled toward the Louisiana coast. “I’ve been waiting for my shot to join the big leagues, but I just don’t know if I have the high-speed winds, torrential rain, and overall destructive force needed to really make people notice me.”
Issac’s doubt is not unfounded. Meteorologists consider Katrina to be the most devastating natural disaster in decades. When Katrina hit New Orleans almost seven years ago to this date, she broke levees, destroyed homes, and permanently dismantled the lives of thousands of Louisianans. In addition, the slow and clumsy response by state and federal officials is considered by many historians to be the worst of its kind in the history of the country.
“At best, I might be able to flood the coastal areas and cause some homes wind damage from flying debris. Katrina led to Kanye West saying that George Bush doesn’t care about black people. That’s what President Bush called the worst moment of his entire presidency. Worse than 9/11, the housing bust, or even the lack of WMDs in Iraq! How am I supposed to live up to that?” a visibly exasperated Issac said.
Even if Issac had the force of Katrina, his efforts would be lost on the region, considering the irresponsibly slow rate of rebuilding in New Orleans, where homes and building were abandoned, their residents relocating to other states. Compounding problems are lack of resources to adequetly care for the city’s homeless population, many of which lost their possessions to Katrina.
“I can only hope that after I hit New Orleans, the government strongly invests in rebuilding the city’s infrastructure, increasing tourism, and finding new ways to minimize hurricane damage,” Issac said.
CONSPIRACY: Is Mitt Romney a Boggart?
The 2012 presidential election is historic. For the first time, both major parties have nominated non-human candidates. As I reported earlier, Barack Obama, who is secretly a lizard-man (man-lizard for the politically correct crowd), had a cameo in the supeerhero film The Amazing Spider-Man. Now, many experts believe that Mitt Romney could very well be a boggart, a creature from the Harry Potter series of books.
Wikipedia definition:
A boggart is a shape-shifter that takes on the form of its intended victim’s worst fear. It is by definition impossible to say what the form of an unobserved boggart is, making the boggart a kind ofSchrödinger’s cat. While classical mythology describes boggarts as house elves who cause trouble, Rowling’s Boggarts are more like Brollachans, magical creatures originating from Scotland. Boggarts like to hide in dark, enclosed places, such as closets and cabinets. Since a boggart changes shape upon sight, their unaltered shape is little known
Obviously, Mitt Romney is a special kind of boggart. Instead of appearing as the viewer’s worst fear, he says whatever is the most politically popular thing to say at the time. For example.
Romney should be proud to be the first Boggart-American Presidential candidate from a major party (A Boggart ran as a Green Party Presidential nominee in 2008). He has the oportunity to change the negative perception of Boggarts that has been propagated by JK Rowling, an avowed braggart about Boggart bigotry.
Will Obama use his wizard lizard powers to defeat Romney?
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Romney to Announce VP Via iPhone/Android Apps. Will This Cost Him the BlackBerry/WinMo/WP7 Vote?
The 2008 Obama Campaign will be remembered for being the first modern presidential campaign to successfully use email and text messaging to tangible ends. Now, Mitt Romney plans to take the next logical step by announcing his vice-presidential candidate through his iOS and Android apps.
As we know, Romney is a shrewd businessman, which is exactly why he snubbed BlackBerry, Windows Mobile, Windows Phone 7, Web OS, and featurephone owners.
To be honest, he should have snubbed Android users as well considering that they are all dirty poors and an “Android user with a Galaxy S3” is basically th e 2012 equivalent of a “Welfare queen in a Cadillac”
Ignoring BlackBerry is a sign that the Romney campaign is sure it has the support of Wall Street bankers business leaders rich people job creators.
However, this could backfire, considering the last time Romney’s app was in the news, it was for rebranding the U.S. as a solution to our debt crisis.
Romney app insiders leaked the top list of possible VP candidates in source code of the app. They are:
Sen. Paul Ran (Wisconsin)
Sen. Marc Ruby (Florida)
Sen. Natalie Portman (Ohio)
Gov. Bobby Ken Doll (Louisiana)
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July 2012 Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
It is never too early to begin planning for a Halloween costume, particularly considering the potential gravity of the choice. A knockout Halloween costume can have people talking for weeks, while a lame “rip up some thrift store clothes, put blood and makeup on, and call it a day” will be forgotten while you sweat it all off at a Halloween party.
The following list are the most culturally relevant costumes for Halloween 2k12 as of July.
MEN
3.Not Bane or anything with a gas mask (Last month unranked) - unless you make it clear that your costume is Bane by bulking up to a 300 Lbs behemoth, just avoid this and go as the Joker again.
2. Anyone from the Avengers (Last Month #1) - Still a great choice, especially for a group costume.
1. Conceptual Mitt Romney (Last month unranked) - Romney has hit his campaign stride this month, offering up a number of statements which, coincidentally contradict statements he made earlier in his political career. Inspired by Batman villain Two-Face, one half of your body is 1990’s Romney, while the other half is 2012 Romney.
WOMEN
3. Nicki Minaj/Lady Gaga/Rihanna (Last month #2) - Still an easy last minute option, and can be bought at your local thrift store.
2. Michele Bachmann (Last month unranked) - Great for parties. People won’t be able to tell if you’re serious about your drunken rant about how the guy dressed as Aladdin is a secret Al-Qaeda operative.
1. Katniss Everdeen (last month #1) - still the biggest female pop culture character of the year. Constant speculation about the casting of her Catching Fire costars keeps her up here.
