“President” Obama Has a Birthday Instead of Lowering Unemployment
This is a guest piece by conservative blogger and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.
Today is supposedly Barack Obama’s “birthday”, even though there has been no proof besides his short form and long form birth certificates, which have conveniently been printed on t shirts and mugs.
Anyway, it is rude and selfish of the “president” to celebrate his birthday with his friends and loved ones when he should be spending every waking moment fixing the economy no sleep or anything and I am being a completely reasonable person where is my Fox News TV show?
I am sure that Mitt Romney will NEVER celebrate his birthday because Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t do that, so Romney will factually have more time to use his JOB CREATOR powers to create jobs.
President Obama is a Birther, Asks Hawaiian Woman for her Birth Certificate
April Employment Report Shows A Decrease in Primate Sector Jobs
D.C. — A new report released by the Department of Labor today revealed the loss of over 50,000 primate sector jobs during April.
Decreased demand in the circus, zoo, and eccentric millionaire industries has led to massive layoffs of many middle-class primates.
“I worked at the Detroit Zoo for over six years. Do you know how many children I entertained, how much joy I’ve brought to the world? Now I’m unemployed and homeless. It’s not easy for a middle-aged primate to change careers,” Oliver Winsome the Third, a spider-monkey, said.
As rough as the recession has been universally rough, young primates have received the brunt of the bad economy. The unemployment rate among primates ages 4-7 is 68 percent, almost double the rate of primates over seven years old.
“My friends and I are all in the same boat. Unless you have a the family connections, it’s hard to break in anywhere. Ringling Bros. requires at least 2-3 years of circus experience for an entry level position as a stunt monkey,” Rainbows, a three-year-old monkey said.
President Obama has announced a series of measures aimed at preventing the further loss of primate sector jobs, such as grants to fund State Fairs and tax breaks for middle-class families who own at least one primate.
Fox News Quietly Replaces one Blonde with another Blonde
New York City — Unbeknownst to many viewers, Fox News executives replaced Afternoon newsreader Alice Powers with fellow blonde Melissa Thompson. While the change occurred three months ago, many regular viewers did not notice the switch until Ms. Powers joined Ms. Thomspon on set for a special news report.
“Thought I was seeing double,” stay-at-home mom Natalie Lockwood said.
Even Ms. Powers’ colleagues at Fox failed to notice her absence.
“She came in two inches shorter a while back. Figured that she just stopped wearing heels all the time,” segment producer Lee Childs said. “I probably should have noticed that she was a completely different person at that point.”
The news of the switch does not seem like it will harm Fox’s viewership.
