Report: Team Rocket to Join the Big Ten
Multiple sources with close knowledge of the situation confirmed today that Team Rocket, a criminal syndicate bent on using Pokemon to achieve world domination, will be the 14th member of the conference following the addition of the University of Maryland on Monday.
Team Rocket’s addition came as a surprise to many college football pundits, who had not expected such a left-field choice from a typically conservative conference.
Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney said today that the move will improve the conference’s media footprint, allowing their cable network to get subscribers in Kanto, Johto and possibly even Hoenn.
“Due to their numerous illegal and criminal schemes, Team Rocket is both a national and a global brand. We believe that this move will solidify the Big Ten’s position as a leader in collegiate athletics,” Delaney said.
Due to exit fees, Team Rocket is not expected to begin playing in the Big Ten until 2015, when it will begin competing in all sports.
Team Rocket mafia boss and head football coach Giovanni said he is excited for the move, and expects the membership to be a “great front for expanded criminal enterprise.
NFL Negotiates With Job-Killing Referee Union
This is a guest piece by conservative blogger, Fox News contributor, paralegal, and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.
The NFL referee union lockout has created a lot of hubbub in the media, both liberal and real, about the need to negotiate a deal, especially after the end of Monday’s Packers-Seahawks game. Well let me tell you, I wish the NFL had not caved. While the Refs Union might not be as toxic and unpatriotic as teachers unions, they still deserve scorn.
Some people said, “but the refs blew a call! They don’t know the rules!” Well, I say that’s okay. Obama’s job-killing regulations have hurt our economy beyond repair. Green Bay didn’t lose that game because of a bad call, they lost because the invisible hand of the market said they should lose.
Not only that, but this job puts hundreds of regular-joe amateur referees out of work, forcing them to return to referee-ing Division III football games and the trollops in the Lingerie Football League. So what if they aren’t as elitist as the union refs. If they were so good, why do they need a union. In fact, why not let the refs’ jobs be tied to the standardized test scores of the NFL players!
It is rampant communism like this that reinforces my choice to vote Romney/Ryan 2012. They have promised to take a stand against corrupt unions like these, and return them to the free market and crying bald eagles America.
Jeremy Lin to go to Houston Rockets Because God Picked Tebow Over Him
Jeremy Lin exploded in popularity after a successful winning streak with the Knicks last season. Unfotunately, things started going downhill for Lin after former Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow, was traded to the Jets , which made New York the holiest city in sports. Then, Lin’s knee injury proved that God prefers Tebow. It only makes sense that Lin would flee to another city.
A report in The New York Post, citing a league source, said the Rockets were planning to offer Lin a backloaded deal worth roughly $30 million. According to the same source, the deal would pay Lin $5 million in the first season, $5.2 million in the second, and then would increase to as much as $10 million per year in the third and fourth seasons.
“Jeremy Lin’s an excellent player,” Rockets general manager Daryl Morey told The Post. “We got to know him firsthand when he was with the Rockets early this season. We think he’d make a fantastic addition to our team.”
While both Lin and the Knicks are hoping for a reunion, sources have told ESPN The Magazine’s Chris Broussard that if any clubs offer Lin a backloaded contract that pays him an eight-figure salary in the third and fourth years, the Knicks could be hesitant to match the offer.
This will be a good move for Lin, who will be able to get the clear uninterrupted support of The Almighty instead not playing second fiddle to Tebow in New York.
Obama Uses His WILDLY UNCHECKED EXECUTIVE POWER to End the BCS
President King Obama is on a rampage again! For the third consecutive week, Obama has used his wildly unchecked executive power to halt deportations of law-abiding illegal immigrants and deny congress documents pertaining to operation Fast and Furious. Now, Obama ended the Bowl Championship Series, the controversial college football championship system.
“Come 2014, the BCS is dead. A committee of university presidents on Tuesday approved the BCS commissioners’ plan for a four-team playoff to start in the 2014 season.
“The move completes a six-month process in which the commissioners have been working on a new way to determine a college football champion. Instead of simply matching the No. 1 and No. 2 teams in the country in a championship game after the regular season, the way the Bowl Championship Series has done since 1998, the new format will create a pair of national semifinals. No. 1 will play No. 4, No. 2 will play No. 3.”
Sure, Obama didn’t explicitly have anything to do with the end of the BCS, but I am sure the university presidents were fearful that Obama would come after them next. Like most of his subjects, Obama has never been a fan of the BCS.
The Obama administration is considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series, the Justice Department said in a letter Friday to a senator who had asked for an antitrust review.
In the letter to Sen. Orrin Hatch, obtained by The Associated Press, Assistant Attorney General Ronald Weich wrote that the Justice Department is reviewing Hatch’s request and other materials to determine whether to open an investigation into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.
This is clearly just a cheap move by the Obama campaign to appeal to the south, who will now send four teams to the BCS final four every year.
EA Announces Kony 2013 at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3)
Tebow Heads to the Jets. Is New York the “Holiest City in Sports?”
The most recent NFL and NBA seasons have been huge for fans of projecting culture wars onto individuals who get paid millions of dollars to play a game and stay in shape. Yesterday, former Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow was traded to the NY Jets because they now have Peyton Manning. Tebow must feel hurt that the Broncos would take a broken QB past his prime over a Heisman trophy winning QB who kind of did better than expected for a few games.
With Knicks star Jeremy Lin already in NYC, this makes it the holiest town in all of pro sports.
More importantly, Tebow and Lin have the potential to become the dynamic duo of sports memes. After just one season of both in the spotlight, we got the boring “Tebowing” meme and the equally lazy “let’s make everything a pun of Lin” meme.
Hopefully, this tea-up will inspire sports headlines to new heights like, “New York has the Mandate of Heaven.”
Area College Student Redshirts Freshman Year
Kalamazoo, Mich — Eric Johnson, an 18 year-old from Grand Rapids, has chosen to forgo any meaningful education achievement during his first year of college. Johnson claims that there are already a lot of really good students in college, and that he won’t get any purposeful opportunities to learn until at least his sophomore year.
“The classes I’m taking now are pretty lame. I have to take remedial algebra because I dropped out of my math class senior year of high school,” the redshirt freshman said between rounds of Modern Warfare 3.
During most of his classes, Mr. Johnson helps the upperclassmen by scoring poorly on assignments, thus lowering the curve for the entire class.
“I know that the upperclassmen have all paid their dues, so that’s what I’m doing now,” Mr. Johnson said.
Due to increasing requirements of degree programs and the uncertainty of employment following graduation, many college students across the country have begun redshirting their freshman years for the same reason as Mr. Johnson.
In related news, University of Florida freshman Natasha Morrison took a medical redshirt following an unexpected pregnancy. It is uncertain if she will continue or transfer to a college where she can get more learning time.
Capitalism Wins 46th Consecutive Super Bowl
Indianapolis — In what many sports commentators and fans are calling a “blowout”, Capitalism has won its 46th straight Super Bowl.
Capitalism, an economic philosophy which advocates for the free market to regulate itself, won handily, particularly because its opponent never showed up. Despite this small fact, Capitalism gave the game its best shot, wowwing the massive American audience with ads ranging from Chrysler to GoDaddy.com.
Capitalism put on a game to between the New England Patriots and New York Giants to entertain football fans, while also scheduling Madonna for the halftime show to entertain creepy internet stans.
“I only watch the Super Bowl to be marketed to!” an 18-35 year old male with a median income of $50,000 per year said.
While this season has just ended, people already predict that Capitalism will continue its football dominance next year.