Clinton, Gore, and Carville to Star in Remake of “The Hangover”
Hollywood — Following former President Bill Clinton’s well-received Democratic National Convention speech, Warner Brothers has announced The Hanging Chad, a spiritual remake of The Hangover, which will star Vice-President Al Gore and Democratic strategist James Carville along with Clinton.
Clinton, who was rumored to have a cameo in The Hangover 2, said he was excited to return to the limelight.
The Hanging Chad takes place shortly after the 2000 Presidential election, with Clinton trying to cheer up his Vice-President but taking him on a vacation to Bermuda, but the night before their flight leaves, Carville invites Clinton and Gore to try some of his homemade bourbon.
“So Many hijinks will ensue. We actually had to cut out hijinks because there were so many hijinks!” WB Junior Executive Colin Silverman said.
Filming of The Hanging Chad has not yet wrapped, but is expected to be released in time for Summer 2013 .
“This film will expose sides of these well-known politicos that the public at large are unaware of,” Silverman said.
Examples include Gore selling his Nobel Prize to pay a prostitute, Bill Clinton dueling the devil in a saxophone contest, and 20 minutes of Carville’s unwavering reptilian glare directly into the camera.
July 2012 Pop Culture Halloween Costume Power Rankings
It is never too early to begin planning for a Halloween costume, particularly considering the potential gravity of the choice. A knockout Halloween costume can have people talking for weeks, while a lame “rip up some thrift store clothes, put blood and makeup on, and call it a day” will be forgotten while you sweat it all off at a Halloween party.
The following list are the most culturally relevant costumes for Halloween 2k12 as of July.
3.Not Bane or anything with a gas mask (Last month unranked) - unless you make it clear that your costume is Bane by bulking up to a 300 Lbs behemoth, just avoid this and go as the Joker again.
2. Anyone from the Avengers (Last Month #1) - Still a great choice, especially for a group costume.
1. Conceptual Mitt Romney (Last month unranked) - Romney has hit his campaign stride this month, offering up a number of statements which, coincidentally contradict statements he made earlier in his political career. Inspired by Batman villain Two-Face, one half of your body is 1990’s Romney, while the other half is 2012 Romney.
3. Nicki Minaj/Lady Gaga/Rihanna (Last month #2) - Still an easy last minute option, and can be bought at your local thrift store.
2. Michele Bachmann (Last month unranked) - Great for parties. People won’t be able to tell if you’re serious about your drunken rant about how the guy dressed as Aladdin is a secret Al-Qaeda operative.
1. Katniss Everdeen (last month #1) - still the biggest female pop culture character of the year. Constant speculation about the casting of her Catching Fire costars keeps her up here.
Modern Ideas for a Justice League Reboot
Following the success of The Avengers, DC is already working on a Justice League film. Unfortunately, JL wouldn’t benefit from the multi-movie set up that the Avengers had, since Bale wouldn’t do it, Green Lantern was awful, and Superman is still facing some issues getting a stable reboot.
To combat this obstacles, I offer my brand consulting services to DC.
Superman - Journalism is shrinking, so it makes little sense for Superman’s alter-ego to work at a newspaper. Instead, Clark Kent is a snarky blogger/content farmer who uses his super powers to improve his SEO ranking and fight employers of unpaid interns.
The Flash - An overworked graduate student who, while working on an experiment late at night, injects a speedball (heroin and cocaine) while simultaneously getting struck by lightning. He now has super speed and perpetually coke’d up.
Wonder Woman - Diana is a political strategist for small elections in Los Angeles. She also writes a monthly article in Jezebel entitled “Punch & Patriarchy”. Her schedule allows much time for fighting crime. Her invisible jet is a hybrid.
Aquaman - Aquaman was a hydrocephallic baby left for dead by his teenage junkie parents. A dolphin saved him and through a plot device, gave him superpowers. Instead of superheroing, he mostly fights for improved treatment and care for sick children, while also operating his own Sea World-like theme park. He writes “King” instead of “CEO” on his business cards.
Martian Manhunter - In order to appeal to xenophobes, J’onn J’onnzz is a self-appointed Texas border patrol minuteman who uses his powers to keep America safe from drug traffickers, turrurists, and “ethnics”. He is kind of racist, and ignores the opposing idea that he is actually another race. His human form looks like Sean Hannity.
Green Lantern - DC announced that GL is gay now, but it isn’t the GL most people know, so in the reboot, Hal Jordan is a graphic designer (except Illustrator, he hates Illustrator!), who is part of the galactic Green Lantern corps, but also retains the golden age GL’s weakness to wood.
Batman - Realizing early on that fighting on he streets will never cure Gotham of crime, Bruce Wayne instead uses his vast wealth and One Percent status to form a private defense/security company a-la Blackwater, while also forming numerous SuperPACs to fund candidates who support privatization of local police departments.
This line-up is much more relevant to modern day consumers, and will help DC finally get the big team film that they’ve wanted for years.
Hollywood Execs Force Peter Parker to Repeatedly Experience the Death of his Uncle
Hollywood — Peter Parker, also known as Spider-Man, will be forced to relive the death of his uncle, Ben Parker, when a new film adaptation is released this summer.
The Amazing Spider-Man, out in theaters on July 3rd, will be the fourth time in ten years where Mr. Parker will deal with the crippling sense of loss associated with losing a loved one.
Uncle Ben has died in a diverse set of mediums, including two films, video games, multiple cartoons, and even a Broadway musical.
“I think all of the technical issues with Spider-Man:Turn Off The Dark were caused by the restless spirits of my dead uncle. It’s got to be tough to have to die so many times,” Mr. Parker said.
While Mr. Parker acknowledges that his uncle’s death is necessary to spur him into being a superhero, he thinks that he has learned his lesson.
“My Uncle Ben used to say, ‘With great power, comes great responsibility.’ I think we as a society owe it to him to at least skip over his death and focus on the many other things Spider-Man has done. I’ve had a clone die! That’s way more interesting,” Mr Parker said.
EXPOSED: President Obama Continues Hollywood Dreams, Pitches Movie Idea to Harvey Weinstein
As I reported earlier, President Obama is determined to become famous. He has sang twice this year, and now he is venturing into film He must have the same idea of many lost 20-somethings who are using the poor economy as an excuse for “trying to achieve their dreams.”
Anyway, the popular content farm Vulture posted a news blurb from Harvey Weinstein, Chairman of the Weinstein Company. H claims that Obama sent him a book idea and asked if it could be made into a film.
The President sent me a book the other day and said ‘Why don’t you make this into a movie?
Most people would accept the call of the President of the United States of America, but Weinstein panned Obama instead.
In fact, Weinstein claims he turned the President’s pitch down: “I sent him an email back saying he was the most overqualified book scout I’ve ever had,” the movie mogul said
Many question if it is safe to pan a president who has recently signed a bill allowing indefinite detention of American citizens and has even ordered hits on American citizens.
Terrence Malick Announces 35,000 Slide PowerPoint Presentation on the “Nature of Man”
Los Angeles, Calif — Terrence Malick, director of “The Thin Red Line” and more recently, “Tree of Life”, announced a 35,000 slide powerpoint meant to define and explain humankind’s role in the universe.
“While many praised Tree of Life for it’s grand scale, I personally feel that there are many areas I could expand upon.”
Malick said that he chose to experiment with the PowerPoint form because it would allow him the freedom to jump across topics incoherently without having to worry about audience expectations of a traditional narrative.
“While it was a critical success, many people complained about Tree of Life’s nonlinear structure. Even Sean Penn wasn’t entirely sure why his character was in the movie.”
Not to be outdone, Lar Von Trier has announced a new film about the universally disliked Microsoft Word Paperclip’s crisis of faith in the face of impending deletion.