Is America Ready For a Dog Speaker of the House?
Yesterday, John Boehner was granted a second term as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Some people thought a possible Eric Cantor coup was brewing based off of the fiscal cliff negotiations, however, no such attempt occurred.
However, the most interesting news is that for the first time in American history, a dog received a vote for Barker Speaker of the House of Representatives.
This is a huge moment for dog-Americans everywhere. Dogs have already broken the glass ceiling in numerous different sports.
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Politics very well may be the next arena that dogs will break into. This is only the beginning for Canine Congressmen.
#HatWatch: Will Aretha’s Hat Appear at Obama’s 2nd Inauguration?
Outside of Barack Obama’s first inauguration being a historic moment for our nation, particularly considering our troubled history with race, the most important part of the event was Aretha Franklin’s old church lady hat.
Aretha’s hat was a hit. Some people remember that the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay act was the first bill Obama signed, but most will remember Aretha’s Hat the first meme of the Obama Administration
“Does this hat make me the first black president?”
“Yo dawg, I heard you like memes, so I put a meme inside a meme so you can meme while you meme”
“Upgrade or Downgrade from a crown of thorns?”
Will we see Aretha’s Hat again?
House GOP Aim To Impeach Obama Over Petraeus Sex Scandal
Washington — House Majority Leader John Boehner confirmed today that congressional republicans will move ahead with plans to impeach President Obama due to former CIA Director David Petraeus’ extramarital affair.
Since Petraeus resigned late last week, many details have emerged, none of which indicate President had anything to do with the affair. Despite this, the House GOP remain steadfast in their calls for Obama to step down.
Bill Clinton was the president most recently impeached by congress, However, unlike Obama, Clinton actually personally participated in an extramarital affair.
Boehner’s announcement confirms earlier rumors suggesting that many House republicans the Petraeus scandal as a way to stop the president from having a second term.
“When I ran for the GOP nomination last year, I pledged to make Barack Obama a one-term president, and following the unfavorable election results, this is our last chance to set America on the right path,” Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said.
While republicans publicly denounce the President and his actions, some moderate party members who spoke on a condition of anonymity admit that impeachment of Obama over an affair he did not participate in is unwarranted and somewhat absurd, it would be a great tool to energize the republican base as they look to rebound in the 2014 midterm elections.
Nations’ Liberals Glad They Can Finally Criticize Obama
Just seconds after Barack Obama’s victory, millions of exasperated liberals, democrats, and progressives were relieved to finally be able to critique the president.
Liberals, who, while long disappointed with what many describe as an at most, “center-right politician”, played down their critiques out of fear of the alternative.
“I mean, I’m glad Obama won and all, but fuck that guy and his drones, seriously,” MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow said during election coverage last night.
Progressives were glad that the president was able to pass things like Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, Affordable Care Act, and student loan reform, most progressives described the legislation as being a solid start, but not anywhere near where it should be.
On foreign policy, Liberals have chastised Obama for his use of automated predator drone attacks in Afghanistan and Pakistan, describing them as the same type of executive branch abuse that George W. Bush used.
“I could believe in that change, if it had actually happened,” librarian Gary Janaris said.
Presidential Debate #3 (Drinking Game) Primer: Foreign Policy
Both candidates look to break the tie as we head into the third and final 2012 Presidential debate. Romney took an early lead, but Obama rebounded following a strong performance at the Town Hall debate.
Moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News is out to prove that men really can moderate debates as well as women.
Speaking of, the internet is less than 24 hours from a new meme. Romney was the source of the biggest ones so far, Big Bird and Binders full of women. Will Obama use his “Romnesia” line on the national stage for the first time?
Enough questions, here are the drinking game rules:
October 11th Foreign Policy Debate - Focus mostly on Middle-East wars, trade with China, Eurozone Debt Crisis, and maybe a little Syria sprinkled in for good measure.
Drink When Someone Says/Does: Iraq, (nuclear) Iran, (tough on) China, North Korea, Russia, Syria, Euro, default, Germany, Greece, democracy, Afghanistan, apologizing for America (conservative), when Obama is asked a question about emerging BRIC nations but you can tell by his eyes that he just wants to say “I killed Bin Laden come at me bro!”, trade, exports, imports, Beijing.
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U.N. to send Monitors to U.S. to Ensure “Free and Fair Elections”
New York — United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon announced today that the global organization would send U.N. monitors to the United States in order to guarantee that the will of the American people is heard in the polls.
The U.N. has sent monitors to countries around the world to protect the people against laws that work to limit participation in democracy, so their most recent actions aren’t without precedent.
“We believe that the measures taken by state governors and legislators were created to limit, confuse, and disenfranchise citizens across the United States of America,” Sec. Gen. Ban Ki-Moon said during a Wednesday morning press conference.
His comments reference the many actions taken by republicans in the states in the name of preventing voter fraud, despite studies which show that voter fraud is statistically insignificant.
“The findings on the U.N Mission to Investigate Voter Fraud echo the results of similar previous studies. We have yet to find any evidence of over-eager illegal immigrants who are willing to risk deportation in order to vote. We have also found that even in the largest modern presidential elections, there has never even been 90 percent participation of the electorate. I thought you Americans really like Democracy?” Sec. Gen. Ban Ki-Moon said.
In response, House Republicans have passed resolutions condemning international intervention in the U.S.’s domestic affairs. While the majority Democratic Senate has not passed a similar resolution, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel did release a statement.
“When I said two years ago that the top priority of the GOP is to deny Obama a second term, I truly meant it. If it means reducing early voting, closing poll sites, and disenfranchising elderly and college-aged voters, so be it,” McConnel said.
SCANDAL : Romney Caught Being Sincere for First Time This Campaign. Will He Use the R.Kelly/Shaggy Defense?
Mitt Romney has long been lam basted by people on both sides of the aisle for appearing wooden and conviction-less because of his wooden delivery and various views on the same topics. Now, the mainstream media is attacking Romney for speaking with some conviction for once.
There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.
You can practically feel the fire in his belly as he speaks with disdain for the dirty democrat poors. This conviction was completely absent from his statements about the trees in Michigan being the right height.
Surprisingly, Romney has not employed the Shaggy/R Kelly “It wasn’t me on the tape even though it looks an d sounds just like me” defense. He must be pretty sure of his statements in order to not back down.
“They caught me speaking at a fundraiser”
It wasn’t me
“Talking down about the working class”
It wasn’t me
“Even created a new 47 percent meme”
It wasn’t me
They even caught it on camera!”
It wasn’t me
Similarly, R. Kelly is known for winning a trial where there was a video of him pissing on an underage girl by claiming that the guy who was in the video was not him. Romney figuratively pissed on the 47 percent of Americans who don’t pay income tax for a variety of reasons (GOP lowering income tax rates intentionally, the elderly, students, and umeployed).
The media should stop attacking Romney and instead applaud him for being honest, even if his honesty reveals him to be a vile, borderline-cartoonish villain who has little sympathy for the groups who make up that 47 percent “moocher class”, which includes the elderly, students, and the unemployed.
Source: Mother Jones
Clinton, Gore, and Carville to Star in Remake of “The Hangover”
Hollywood — Following former President Bill Clinton’s well-received Democratic National Convention speech, Warner Brothers has announced The Hanging Chad, a spiritual remake of The Hangover, which will star Vice-President Al Gore and Democratic strategist James Carville along with Clinton.
Clinton, who was rumored to have a cameo in The Hangover 2, said he was excited to return to the limelight.
The Hanging Chad takes place shortly after the 2000 Presidential election, with Clinton trying to cheer up his Vice-President but taking him on a vacation to Bermuda, but the night before their flight leaves, Carville invites Clinton and Gore to try some of his homemade bourbon.
“So Many hijinks will ensue. We actually had to cut out hijinks because there were so many hijinks!” WB Junior Executive Colin Silverman said.
Filming of The Hanging Chad has not yet wrapped, but is expected to be released in time for Summer 2013 .
“This film will expose sides of these well-known politicos that the public at large are unaware of,” Silverman said.
Examples include Gore selling his Nobel Prize to pay a prostitute, Bill Clinton dueling the devil in a saxophone contest, and 20 minutes of Carville’s unwavering reptilian glare directly into the camera.
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Taylor Swift Plans to Write Revenge Song About Obama for Ruining the VMAs
Last night President Obama made his case to the electorate for a second term, but at the same time MTV’s Video Music Awards were going at full speed. Many pundits speculated that this programming move was orchestrated by conservative political commentator and Romney supporter Nicki Minaj. Well the ratings are in, and it looks like Obama killed the VMA’s like an assault rifle to the face of the leader of a terrorist organization.
At any rate, Thursday’s number is a stunning ratings plunge for the show, coming as it does one year after the franchise logged its biggest crowd ever – and MTV’s biggest audience ever for any program– at 12.4 million.
One year earlier, the VMA’s averaged 11.4 million and the year before that 9 million.
Let’s put this year’s VMA number in perspective, shall we?
The VMA’s attracted a smaller crowd that watched Obama at the DNC — on NBC alone.
On the other hand, the VMA’s snagged more than twice as many viewers as watched Obama’s address on Fox News Channel.
Wow, Obama better watch out. As everyone knows, perrinial 7th-grader Taylor Swift does not take kindly to being wronged. Although it is not confirmed and rumors are sparce, we can only expect miss Swift to write an Obama protest anthem, probably about a guy name “O-Brad-a” who didn’t return her locker note or reduce the federal deficit enough. Probably will be called “You Will Never Ever Ever Ever Double Dog Never Be Re-elected Ever 4Ever”
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Michelle Obama Tries to Attract Freegan Vote for the President
The internetosphere is all a flutter over Michelle Obama’s speech last night, with many calling it the best convention speech in years. The most popular quote seems to be this:
And he believes that when you’ve worked hard, and done well, and walked through that doorway of opportunity…you do not slam it shut behind you…you reach back, and you give other folks the same chances that helped you succeed.
Throughout the speech, Michelle referenced some of the President’s achievements without directly listing them, in an attempt to re-energize the base. While the media focuses on line regarding marriage equality and health reform, a bigger shout-out went unnoticed by the big media sites.
He was the guy whose proudest possession was a coffee table he’d found in a dumpster, and whose only pair of decent shoes was half a size too small.
Michelle pretty much confirmed that Obama ia a hipster dumpster diving freegan, going through trash to find stuff. He probably. Now some people might say that freeganism refers specifically to food, but any of those people who care are too busy foraging for scraps behind a Ruby Tuesdays to care.
Anyway, this will definitely secure Obama the freegan hipster vote, somewhere Romney hasn’t even targeted.
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Source: NPR
Chris Christie Pretty Much Declares His Candidacy for the 2016 GOP Nomination
Tampa, FL— New Jersey Governor Chris Christie essentially declared his intention to run for President in 2016 during his Republican Convention keynote address.
“Let’s be real, the only thing standing between me and the White House are 100 lbs. I already plan to begin my new diet and exercise regiment the day after the 2012 presidential election,” Christie said.
The news, which surprised absolutely no one, came on the heels of several other speeches from other GOP superstars who are probably running in 2016, like South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley
Barack Obama Admits that he is Secretly Foreign/Not Christian, but You’ll Have to Click to Find Out!
Even though Barack Obama himself is a birther, many people have questioned his place of birth. Recently unearthed documents show Obama himself admitting that is neither Christian or a natural-born U.S. citizen.
There you have it. Barack Obama admits that he is secretly a Norwegian Jew. We should have listened to ORLY Taitz and Donald Trump. Sure, they were completely off about where he was born and which religion he was secretly a member of, but this still sort of counts.
Obama continues to dig himself into an even deeper hole.
Considering that he is not a naturally born citizen, this will probably hurt him in the polls.
Source: BuzzFeed
Clay Aiken: Female Body Has Ways of Shutting Down Illegible Rape
UPDATE:Aiken announced today he will stay in the Missouri Senate Race
Wow, American Idol season 2 contestant Clay Aiken sure has changed since his admirable run on the popular TV singing competition ten years ago. Since then, he’s been a member of the House of Representatives, where he sponsored a bill with Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan to ban abortion in all cases except “Forcible rape”. Now, the crooner/Senate candidate will need a bridge to cross the hot troubled water he got himself into on a TV show yesterday.
As sexual health experts know, all rapists sign their name on the victim with a sharpie as a way of “branding” their victims. In the clip, Aiken is simply saying that rapists with sloppy handwriting arent real rapists, so the woman’s body automatically shuts down, thus preventing pregnancy.
Looks like Clay really let himself go. Seems he felt invisible, living in Ruben Studdard’s shadow, so he rebranded as a staunch social conservative
After listening to this song, should we have seen Clay’s eventual transformation coming?
Will Obama’s “Amazing Spider-Man” Cameo Hurt His Chances in 2012?
Earlier this week, conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh made news when he alleged that the villain in The Dark Knight Rises, Bane, is a liberal conspiracy to associate the hulking badguy with Bain Capital, the investment firm Romney ran from the 1990’s until 2003( including a period of retroactive retirement from 1999 to 2002).
However, Romney is not the only candidate embroiled in a superhero move scandal.
As is common knowledge, President Obama is a shapeshifting lizard-man.
Icke argues that humanity was created by a network of secret societies run by an ancient race of interbreeding bloodlines from the Middle and Near East, originally extraterrestrial. Icke calls them the “Babylonian Brotherhood.” The Brotherhood is mostly male. Their children are raised from an early age to understand the mission; those who fail to understand it are pushed aside. The spread of the reptilian bloodline encompasses what Norman Simms calls the odd and ill-matched, extending to 43 American presidents, three British and two Canadian prime ministers, various Sumerian kings and Egyptian pharaohs, and a smattering of celebrities such as Bob Hope. Key Brotherhood bloodlines are the Rockefellers, the Rothschilds, various European royal and aristocratic families, the establishment families of the Eastern United States, and the British House of Windsor—Icke identified the Queen Mother in 2001 as “seriously reptilian.”
In the Amazing Spider-Man, the main villain is a foreign snob who went to a liberal elite university in New York City and is also a giant lizard-man. Sound familiar?
This also fits with the view of Obama as a celebrity. He even reached out to Hollywood Mogul Harvey Weinstein earlier this year about making a movie. With the Amazing Spider-Man, Obama finally got the starring role he was born to play.
Pundits agree that this cameo by the Lizard-in-Chief will harm his campaign, considering that voters typically prefer to vote for warm-blooded mammals.
The Obama Campaign plans to frame the President as “the first Animorph”, something he believes will resonate with nostalgic 20-somethings.
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Obama’s Death Panels Take First Victim Following Campaign Stop at Ohio Diner
Ever since Chief Justice Robert sided with the liberal wing of the Supreme Court on Obamacare, real Americans have waited int error for the first victim of Obama’s death panels. Unfortunately for apple pie and bald eagles, that day has come.
Yesterday, the President made a campaign stop at a small diner in Akron, where, like one of Galactus’ heralds, revealed that he would soon destroy the owner of this small business because Obama hates _____________.
For Josephine “Ann” Harris, however, none came close to President Barack Obama visiting her West Akron restaurant. He was her hero.
Harris, who didn’t know Obama planned to visit until earlier that morning, sat at a booth with a wet towel around her neck.
The Death Panels arrive announced, leaving the soon-to-be-condemned to scramble proof that they are worth getting health care or something (that’s how this works, right?)
Within hours of Obama’s visit, Harris,
who had been ill for some time, complained of fatigue and a tingling feeling. She was rushed to Akron General Medical Center, where she died about 11:15 a.m., according to the Summit County Medical Examiner’s Office
The panel acts quickly, drawing a verdict long before poor Ms. Harris could even appeal their decision to end her life.
Harris had no idea Obama would make a stop at her small diner, which she had owned for about 30 years. Her daughter came and picked her up, and they hurried to the restaurant.
One can only imagine how many elderly small business owners, cool grandpas, and eccentric uncles Obama will sentence to death over the course of the campaign, but conservative estimates expect at least 2 million sentences by the end of the 2012 campaign.
Source: ohio.com
