Alabama’s Blowout BCS Title Game Win Fails to Improve the State’s Dismal Education Record
Miami — Despite the University of Alabama football team’s third BCS National Championship win in four years, the school’s state has yet to improve its dismal secondary, undergraduate, and graduate rankings.
The blowout win against the University of Notre Dame, was called fairly early after the Crimson Tide gained a 21-0 lead in the first quarter.
Following the 42-14 final score, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said he was pleased with his squad’s dominant performance, but was concerned that his state still ranked 46th in High School graduation rate.
“I just don’t understand why Eddie Lacy’s 1st quarter touchdown didn’t improve junior high students’ literacy rate,” Saban said in a post-game interview.
Saban went on to say that he accepted the head coach position at Alabama to improve the states’ schools, not to win BCS titles. Unfortunately, the great on-field success has failed to translate to the state’s many underperforming schools.
Notre Dame is similarly disappointed in their performance last night, particularly because a win would not have only signaled a return to relevance, but also might have helped to decrease Indiana’s rampant crystal meth epidemic.
Report: Team Rocket to Join the Big Ten
Multiple sources with close knowledge of the situation confirmed today that Team Rocket, a criminal syndicate bent on using Pokemon to achieve world domination, will be the 14th member of the conference following the addition of the University of Maryland on Monday.
Team Rocket’s addition came as a surprise to many college football pundits, who had not expected such a left-field choice from a typically conservative conference.
Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney said today that the move will improve the conference’s media footprint, allowing their cable network to get subscribers in Kanto, Johto and possibly even Hoenn.
“Due to their numerous illegal and criminal schemes, Team Rocket is both a national and a global brand. We believe that this move will solidify the Big Ten’s position as a leader in collegiate athletics,” Delaney said.
Home Jerseys 
Away Jerseys
Due to exit fees, Team Rocket is not expected to begin playing in the Big Ten until 2015, when it will begin competing in all sports.
Team Rocket mafia boss and head football coach Giovanni said he is excited for the move, and expects the membership to be a “great front for expanded criminal enterprise.
Nation Cheers Return of Young Men Hitting Each Other, Causing Lifelong Physical Damage
Arlington, Texas — Tonight’s marquee college football match-up between The University of Michigan Wolverine and the defending-champion University of Alabama Crimson Tide marks the first big Saturday of the college football season, where hundreds of young men will sustain injuries that will plague them for the rest of their lives.
During the season, football fans all across this great nation will cheer on their teams as the players risk their bodies on the gridiron in pursuit of a crystal football, without promise of lifelong healthcare.
“That hit was insane! The dude got absolutely lit up by one of our guys, so this is good!” Michigan State University Sophmore Dorian Nixon said during Friday’s game against Boise State University.
Unbeknownst to Nixon, the injuries in this game will lead to that player losing the ability to walk at age 38.
As the season roars ahead and stake rise, players will be encouraged to endure great pains, ignore concussions, and exert their bodies beyond what God intended, without pay.
Despite all of this, the players themselves don’t seem to mind.
“Been playing since pee-wee (football), I just love the game. Wouldn’t give it up for anything,” offensive lineman Jamar Wilkins said prior to a game where he will lose all sensation from the neck down following a particularly strong hit early in the third quarter.
NCAA Goes Easy on Penn State, Doesn’t Order a Corpse Trial
This morning,the NCAA announced sancations against Penn State in relation to the Jerry Sandusky child molestation scandal. The scandal escalated when the Freeh Report revealed damning allegations against The Penn State administration, as well as former had coach Joe Paterno. While Penn State was spared the “death penalty”, it did recieve a number of punishments, including:
- $60 Million fine
- Forfeit all wins from 1998-2011
- Four year post-season ban
- Loss of 20 scholarships over 4 years
Unlike UN sanctions, these punishments will have real and lasting effects on the Penn State football program, but I do not believe that they go far enough.
As I have mentioned earlier, I do not believe that the healing process can truly begin until the body of Joe Paterno is exhumed, propped on a witness stand, and forced to answer for its/his crimes. The NCAA dropped ther ball by not punishing Penn State this way.
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Freeh Report Reveals Massive Corruption at Penn State. Should Paterno Have a Corpse Trial?
An extensive report detailing the lack of moral fortitude on the part of Penn State Football coaches and university administration was released today. The report claimed that former head coach Joe Paterno knowingly covered up Jerry Sandusky’s rape of young children.
Unfortunately for the public, Joe Paterno will never have to face these charges in the court of law because he “conveniently” died earlier this year. Fortunately, there is precedent for this sort of situation.
The Cadaver Synod (also called the Cadaver Trial or, in Latin, the Synodus Horrenda) is the name commonly given to the posthumous ecclesiastical trial of Catholic Pope Formosus, held in the Basilica of St. John Lateran in Rome during January of 897.[1]
The trial was conducted by Formosus’s successor, Pope Stephen (VI) VII. Stephen accused Formosus of perjury and of having acceded to the papacy illegally. At the end of the trial, Formosus was pronounced guilty and his papacy retroactively declared null. The Cadaver Synod is remembered as one of the most bizarre episodes in the history of the medival papacy.
Considering that Paterno claimed to be a devout Catholic, this would be the appropriate route to pursue at this point.
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I am Writing this Joe Paterno Think Piece Because He Is Currently Trending on Twitter
Obama Uses His WILDLY UNCHECKED EXECUTIVE POWER to End the BCS
President King Obama is on a rampage again! For the third consecutive week, Obama has used his wildly unchecked executive power to halt deportations of law-abiding illegal immigrants and deny congress documents pertaining to operation Fast and Furious. Now, Obama ended the Bowl Championship Series, the controversial college football championship system.
“Come 2014, the BCS is dead. A committee of university presidents on Tuesday approved the BCS commissioners’ plan for a four-team playoff to start in the 2014 season.
“The move completes a six-month process in which the commissioners have been working on a new way to determine a college football champion. Instead of simply matching the No. 1 and No. 2 teams in the country in a championship game after the regular season, the way the Bowl Championship Series has done since 1998, the new format will create a pair of national semifinals. No. 1 will play No. 4, No. 2 will play No. 3.”
Sure, Obama didn’t explicitly have anything to do with the end of the BCS, but I am sure the university presidents were fearful that Obama would come after them next. Like most of his subjects, Obama has never been a fan of the BCS.
The Obama administration is considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series, the Justice Department said in a letter Friday to a senator who had asked for an antitrust review.
In the letter to Sen. Orrin Hatch, obtained by The Associated Press, Assistant Attorney General Ronald Weich wrote that the Justice Department is reviewing Hatch’s request and other materials to determine whether to open an investigation into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.
This is clearly just a cheap move by the Obama campaign to appeal to the south, who will now send four teams to the BCS final four every year.
