U.S. Dept.of Synergy to Touch Base With 75% of Americans by Q3 2018
Washington — Following calls for incresed vertical integration and workflow streamlining, U.S. Synergy Secretary Henry Dawson announced an initiative to touch base with 75 percent of Americans by mid-quarter 3.
The move, outlined in a 25 panel deck during a mid-morning power-huddle, contains at three distinct phases.
“We still have a cuss and discuss about a few issues on the Chinese menu, but we should be ready to ramp up the cross-sectional reviews in time for our Q3 pipeline, provided we minimize pushback,” Sec. Dawson said.
Many pundits believe that the Synergy Department is downplaying potential downstream conflicts, particularly the chance that pipeline schedules could easily delay base touching to as far as Q2 2019.
Microsoft Has Its First Quarterly Loss Ever, Expected to go Third Party Within Days
Micosoft used to be the unstoppable juggernaut of the tech industry. Their Windows OS and Microsoft Office Suite have nearly become standard. That is, until the compay announced some terrible news.
Microsoft, the once-dominant computer software giant that has seen its fortunes wane in recent years, posted its first quarterly loss since emerging as a public company in 1986 Thursday as it took a huge charge for a failed acquisition.
The Redmond, Wash.-based company reported a net loss of $492 million as its operating income was wiped out by a $6.2 billion writedown related to its acquisition of advertising company aQuantive in 2007. Microsoft wrote down almost the entire $6.3 billion purchase price.
Basically, Microsoft’s only reasonable option at this point is to go third party. Some might say this is premature, but consider that since Microsoft’s steep decline, Apple has gone on top invent black rectangles with touch screens, black shapes of any kind, sliding to unlock, clicking on links withthe links opening afterward, smartphones, profits, money, and penicillin.
iPods practically created the MP3 player market, leaving Zune to die in irrelevance. iPhones and iPads will soon do the same to Windows Phone and Microsoft Surface tablets.
This is a sad day for the non-Apple tech world. Beloved programs like Outlook and Powerpoint will slowlybe phased out. Businesses cannot afford touse products of a company with as shaky a foundation as Microsoft.
High U.S. Unemployment Rate Traced to Forgetting Lisa from HR’s Birthday
Minneapolis — A congressional probe launched last May found that the primary cause of high unemployment nationwide can be traced to disgruntled North Star Life Insurance employee Lisa Hamtpton’s birthday.
Hampton’s birthday allegedly occurred around the time that Fannie Mae and Fredddie mac failed, but her coworkers had no idea.
“Lisa? From HR? I don’t really know her. She rarely comes to the sales department, so how were we supposed to know when her birthday is?”, said North Star Life Insurance employee Rick Jenkins.
Upon further investigation, only five percent of North Star Life Insurance employees knew who she was, and of those, only one, Mary Wright, knew which month Hampton was born in.
According to the report, Lisa channeled her anger at the 2008 National Human Resources Conference in Clearwater, Florida.
“We will no longer tolerate being the black sheep of the business world. We Human Resources professionals will not hire anyone else until all our birthdays are at leas acknowledged by a company-wide email!”, Hampton said.
Prior to this study, most Americans believed Wall Street’s reckless behavior was at the root of the unemployment crisis, but the study shows that Lisa’s inconsiderate coworkers are at fault.
As a result, the #occupywallstreet protesters have shifted their focused to #occupynorthstarlife , a movement centered on celebrating Hampton’s birthday every day until they figure out when it actually is.