BREAKING: Mitt Romney to Run for Pope
Vatican City — Despite the short timeframe since his loss to Incumbent President Barack Obama last November, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced his intention to run for the soon-to-be-vacted top Papal office.
Romney, a devout Mormon, announced his plans in a press release issued only seconds after the Vatican revealed that Pope Benedict’s resignation effective February 28th.
“I learned many lessons from the 2012 campaign. Chief among this is to never stop trying, no matter what. I see Pope Benedict’s resignation as a sign from the Almighty. Maybe I was not meant to be President, but I am meant to be Pope.”
Romney balked at critics who argue that his devout Mormon past will get in the way of his 2013 Papal run, saying that he had no problems changing policy positions during his Presidential bids and that as a former “turnaround artist”, he knows how to revive dying institutions.
“The Catholic Church in America is shrinking. Parishes are closing, and churches are being consolidated day-by-day. I know how to fix that!
The former governor plans to begin his campaign today in Vatican City, where he will meet with key members of the College of Cardinals. Romney said he looks forward to gaining their support, also noting that the College of Cardinals is a much fairer election system than the Electoral College.
Would Mitt Romney Have Been the First Black President?
Mitt Romney lost the 2012 presidential election, leaving conservatives with many questions. chief among them, though, is “Would Mitt Romney be the first black president?”
(Would have been) 45. Mitt Romney
Would he have been the first black president?
No.
Would he be the first president in the black?
No, that was Jefferson.
Would Mitt Romney have been the president most in the black financially?
Yes
Nations’ Liberals Glad They Can Finally Criticize Obama
Just seconds after Barack Obama’s victory, millions of exasperated liberals, democrats, and progressives were relieved to finally be able to critique the president.
Liberals, who, while long disappointed with what many describe as an at most, “center-right politician”, played down their critiques out of fear of the alternative.
“I mean, I’m glad Obama won and all, but fuck that guy and his drones, seriously,” MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow said during election coverage last night.
Progressives were glad that the president was able to pass things like Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, Affordable Care Act, and student loan reform, most progressives described the legislation as being a solid start, but not anywhere near where it should be.
On foreign policy, Liberals have chastised Obama for his use of automated predator drone attacks in Afghanistan and Pakistan, describing them as the same type of executive branch abuse that George W. Bush used.
“I could believe in that change, if it had actually happened,” librarian Gary Janaris said.
Swing States Consider Taking Nation Hostage Before Realizing That They Already Have
(Image from politicspa.com)
Toledo, Ohio — A group of electorally competitive states considered taking the U.S. hostage before suddenly realizing that they already had.
The coalition, led by Ohio and Florida, also contains Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Nevada, Colorado, North Carolina, and Virginia, drafted a list of demands for the rest of the nation.
“We joined together in retaliation for the thousands of TV ads, robocalls, and harassing door knocks, we have chosen to consolidate our electoral strength and leverage it into increased attention from the major candidtes,” Swing State Coalition (SSC) leader Elton Price said.
Some of the SSC’s demands include:
- Automotive and Corn subsidies for eternity
- Daily rallies by the major Democratic and Republican candidates
- Formal apologies from the states for making fun of it all the time.
- The return of Motown to Michigan from California
- Renaming of “West Virginia” as “Worst Virginia”
- Construction of a really cool waterslide in Cedar Rapids, Iowa
- A 100 year postseason bowl ban for all college football teams not located in swing states
- Free iPads for every adult, iPad Minis for every child.
The SSC almost formally released these demands until realizing that they had, in fact, already controlled the very fate of the entire nation, even though they do not constitute a majority of the population.
“Upon further reflection, we remembered that we already control the elections, and that there is nothing people in California or Texas can do about it,” Mr. Price said.
Obama Campaign Releases Final Ad
Washington D.C. — The Obama Campaign released its final ad today in advance of Tuesday’s election. The ad, which is only about 30 seconds, was described by Obama Campaign Senior Strategist David Axelrod as “the most compelling argument against a Mitt Romney presidency.”
The ad features the former governor at a campaign stop in 2008, where he sings the Baha Men hit “Who Let The Dogs Out” while standing with a group of urban youths.
“Health reform, fair pay for women, don’t ask don’t tell repeal. The president has done enough to earn a second term, but this final ad contains the most compelling argument against a Mitt Romney presidency,” Axelrod said. “Can we really be sure that Romney won’t try to do Gangnam Style with Chinese leaders in 2014? It’s two years old and not even the right country for Pete’s sake!
The Romney Campaign quickly responded with a press release.
“This is just another example of the other side using personal attacks instead of offering solutions to fix the economy. The governor has even taken a pledge not to use internet memes during his presidency.”
Trump Offers $5,000,000 to Anyone Who Can Help Him Feel Human Again
New York City — Wealthy businessman, former Republican presidential candidate, and reality TV star Donald Trump released a statement today offering $5 Million to any American who can make him feel like a member of the human race, if only for a few seconds.
Trump, who has been a fixture of the 2012 campaign even after dropping out of the race early, has continued asking for President Obama’s birth certificate in addition to holding multiple fundraisers for GOP nominee Mitt Romney.
The statement in full is as follows.
My fellow Americans, I come to you today not as a millionaire, but as a burned out-husk of what used to resemble a homo-sapien. Somewhere along the line, maybe after my first failed marriage or my first successful bankruptcy, I lost sight of what it truly means to live. I have buildings, helicopters, and award-winning golf-courses with my name on them, yet, the void inside grows larger with each passing day.
I thought getting into politics would give me purpose. Instead, I am now at what I hope is the bottom of a dark, fruitless pursuit to validate racial prejudices and otherism. I had no other option but to offer $5 Million for the president’s college transcripts and passports. It was double or nothing.
This is why I humbly ask someone, anyone, teach me how to feel true emotions again. This isn’t about love or sex. I can buy those things. This is about re-learning how to appreciate the first snowfall, a baby’s face, or how to interact with others without listing all of my boats
Please hurry. I fear that I have little time until the black hole inside my soul completely annihilates all traces of my existence.
Trump does require that all candidates be gorgeous nubile women between the ages of 18- 25, preferably blonde.
Presidential Debate #3 (Drinking Game) Primer: Foreign Policy
Both candidates look to break the tie as we head into the third and final 2012 Presidential debate. Romney took an early lead, but Obama rebounded following a strong performance at the Town Hall debate.
Moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News is out to prove that men really can moderate debates as well as women.
Speaking of, the internet is less than 24 hours from a new meme. Romney was the source of the biggest ones so far, Big Bird and Binders full of women. Will Obama use his “Romnesia” line on the national stage for the first time?
Enough questions, here are the drinking game rules:
October 11th Foreign Policy Debate - Focus mostly on Middle-East wars, trade with China, Eurozone Debt Crisis, and maybe a little Syria sprinkled in for good measure.
Drink When Someone Says/Does: Iraq, (nuclear) Iran, (tough on) China, North Korea, Russia, Syria, Euro, default, Germany, Greece, democracy, Afghanistan, apologizing for America (conservative), when Obama is asked a question about emerging BRIC nations but you can tell by his eyes that he just wants to say “I killed Bin Laden come at me bro!”, trade, exports, imports, Beijing.
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Divided Nation Rallies Around Single Hashtag for #VPDebate
Danville, Ky - While Vice-President Joe Biden and his challenger, Paul Ryan, traded blows in the second debate of the general election, viewers managed to put aside partisan differences and use a common hashtag when commenting on the debate from social media websites like Twitter and Google+
The hashtag, #VPDebate, was used by Americans of all types, from Wall Street Bankers, college students, and government employees used the same hashtag when speaking on the debate. This was in stark contrast to the first debate between President Obama and Governor Romney, where Americans struggled to find the most appropriate way to tag their tweets.
“It was so confusing. Some people used #debate2012, #debate , #debates. Some people even tried to make #presidentialdebate2012 work! That’s too long!” Blogger Young Man Yells At Cloud said.
Both the Romney and Obama campaigns issued statements commending the American people for coming together even in these harsh political times.
VP Debate (Drinking Game) Primer
Via: NerdWallet
A Vice-President debate is kind of ridiculous because elections are typically not won because of a VP, and they don’t really have much power outside of tie-breaking Senate votes and staying in live in case the President dies.
If they were honest,the debate would go something like this:
On Foreign Policy
Biden: I would do a better job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
Ryan: No, I would do a good job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
On Unemployment
Biden: I would do a better job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
Ryan: No, I would do a good job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
On the National Debt
Biden: I would do a better job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
Ryan: No, I would do a good job of staying alive just in case and breaking senate ties
Thankfully, there are still drinking games to keep us occupied while we wait for Joe Biden to say something vaguely sexual whilst getting lost in Paul Ryan’s eyes.
Here are the rules for tonight’s debate!
October 11th Vice-Presidential Debate - Focus on not saying anything dumb to hurt the top of the ticket
Drink When Someone Says/Does - Pretty much same as above, when you imagine Paul Ryan naked, when your imagined naked Paul Ryan morphs into Ron Paul, when you imagine Sarah Palin naked for old times’ sake.
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Fervent PBS Supporters Stockpile Sesame Street, Downton Abbey DVDs
41-year-old Monica Shepman, a sales conultant, was one of hundreds of custmers seen buying hundreds of DVDs, from Thomas the Tank Engine, to Sesame Street.
“I refuse to let Romney and big government take News Hour away from me! This violates my constitutional right to pledge drives!” Ms. Shepman said as she suckerpunched a 10-year-old boy in order to snag a Tickle-me-Elmo
This is just a snapshot of the type of hysteria surrounding PBS-related merchandise. Experts believe that the sudden spike in sales is driven by fear of a Romney presidency.
Similar to conservatives who stockpiled bullets out of fear of an Obama presidency, many liberals are hoarding any and every piece of merchandise related to the publicly-funded TV station.
Pro-PBS supporters have also begun the #OccupySesameStreet movement, in which people are camping out in the toy aisle of major retailers like Target, and singing themes to their favorite programs, like Arthur.
The most fervent supporters have even erected makeshift shrines to the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey outside of polling locations in swing states, in hopes that her icy demeanor will intimidate Romney supporters from voting.
Romney - “Some of my best friends are Big Birds”
Mitt Romney issued a statement late last night clarifying remarks he made regarding cuts to PBS’ funding during yesterday’s presidential debate.
“My family and I are tremendous fans of Big Bird’s work, and have been for a long time. Some of my be st friends are big birds. In fact, we love all large birds. Ann is currently raising two orphan ostriches. We love them very much,” Romney said in a statement.
Romney’s remarks on cuts to PBS, which constitutes less than a tenth of a percent of the federal budget, and also airs beloved programs like Downton Abbey, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, and Arthur.
In response to Romney’s remarks, a SuperPAC named “Sesame Street Kids for Truth” launched an ad in battleground states condemning Romney for being on the side of Wall Street instead of Sesame Street.
SCANDAL : Romney Caught Being Sincere for First Time This Campaign. Will He Use the R.Kelly/Shaggy Defense?
Mitt Romney has long been lam basted by people on both sides of the aisle for appearing wooden and conviction-less because of his wooden delivery and various views on the same topics. Now, the mainstream media is attacking Romney for speaking with some conviction for once.
There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.
You can practically feel the fire in his belly as he speaks with disdain for the dirty democrat poors. This conviction was completely absent from his statements about the trees in Michigan being the right height.
Surprisingly, Romney has not employed the Shaggy/R Kelly “It wasn’t me on the tape even though it looks an d sounds just like me” defense. He must be pretty sure of his statements in order to not back down.
“They caught me speaking at a fundraiser”
It wasn’t me
“Talking down about the working class”
It wasn’t me
“Even created a new 47 percent meme”
It wasn’t me
They even caught it on camera!”
It wasn’t me
Similarly, R. Kelly is known for winning a trial where there was a video of him pissing on an underage girl by claiming that the guy who was in the video was not him. Romney figuratively pissed on the 47 percent of Americans who don’t pay income tax for a variety of reasons (GOP lowering income tax rates intentionally, the elderly, students, and umeployed).
The media should stop attacking Romney and instead applaud him for being honest, even if his honesty reveals him to be a vile, borderline-cartoonish villain who has little sympathy for the groups who make up that 47 percent “moocher class”, which includes the elderly, students, and the unemployed.
Source: Mother Jones
SNL Announces Jay Pharoah will play Obama. Do They Think Obama Will Lose?
Since comedian Jay Pharoah joined Saturday Night Live, many people wondered if he would play President Obama because of his spot on impressions.Veteran cast member Fred Armisen had played the President until last season, but will be stepping down from that role this year.
“Saturday Night Live” is getting a new Barack Obama.
Lorne Michaels told the New York Times on Wednesday that Jay Pharoah, a featured player for two years who is entering his first as a cast member, will be taking over the role from Fred Armisen, who has played the president since the 2008 election.
“Jay has been doing Obama in his act this summer, and Jay is coming into his own,” Michaels told the Times. “I just thought it might be time to shake it up.”
Unfortunately, since joining the cast, Pharoah has rarely been in episodes, so one can only assume this is a sign that Lorne Michaels thinks Obama will lose in November so Jay will continue to not be in episodes very much. At least we get to have the good Pharoah impression while it lasts, even if it is only until November.
Source: The Huffington Post
Taylor Swift Plans to Write Revenge Song About Obama for Ruining the VMAs
Last night President Obama made his case to the electorate for a second term, but at the same time MTV’s Video Music Awards were going at full speed. Many pundits speculated that this programming move was orchestrated by conservative political commentator and Romney supporter Nicki Minaj. Well the ratings are in, and it looks like Obama killed the VMA’s like an assault rifle to the face of the leader of a terrorist organization.
At any rate, Thursday’s number is a stunning ratings plunge for the show, coming as it does one year after the franchise logged its biggest crowd ever – and MTV’s biggest audience ever for any program– at 12.4 million.
One year earlier, the VMA’s averaged 11.4 million and the year before that 9 million.
Let’s put this year’s VMA number in perspective, shall we?
The VMA’s attracted a smaller crowd that watched Obama at the DNC — on NBC alone.
On the other hand, the VMA’s snagged more than twice as many viewers as watched Obama’s address on Fox News Channel.
Wow, Obama better watch out. As everyone knows, perrinial 7th-grader Taylor Swift does not take kindly to being wronged. Although it is not confirmed and rumors are sparce, we can only expect miss Swift to write an Obama protest anthem, probably about a guy name “O-Brad-a” who didn’t return her locker note or reduce the federal deficit enough. Probably will be called “You Will Never Ever Ever Ever Double Dog Never Be Re-elected Ever 4Ever”
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Mitt Romney: “If Elected, I Promise to Change Labor Day to Job Creator Day”
During a speech in an Iowa campaign stop, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney spoke to the crowd of farmers and unemployed workers about his plan to save the economy and bring back jobs.
Romney spoke about creating a more business-friendly tax code and reducing environmental regulations, but his most interesting idea came late in his speech.
“Barack Obama has endlessly attacked upstanding businessmen like myself, something I will fix during my time in office. The first step is to get the nation refocused on the real engine of the economy, which is why I will work with congress to rename Labor Day to Job Creator Day,” Romney said.
The GOP candidate went on to say that for too long, the nation has overly glorified labor. He hopes that this change will make more Americans thankful to wealthy businessmen, who generously allow us to work to feed our families, sometimes even with health insurance, benefits, and two weeks of vacation time.
Romney did not stop there. He also announced plans to sell naming rights to all official Federal Holidays.
“People love the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, so why not just take it a step further and sell the entire day to Macy’s,” Romney said.
The Romney campaign suggests that the rights could generate over $1.5 Billion over the next ten years.
Other holiday proposals include “Bud Light’s New Year’s New Beers Day”, “Kentucky Fried Christmas”, “Chik-fil-Arbor Day”,” Martin Luther King Junior Mints Day” and “Tyler Perry’s Fourth of July Did I Get Married.”
