Report: Origin of Arab Spring Traced to Tracy Chapman Song
A study released today by UN revealed that the Arab Spring, which has sparked revolutions in numerous Middle East nations, was caused by the Tracy Chapman song Talkin’ Bout a Revolution
Initially, the world believed that the uprisings began in Tunisia when a cart vendor set himself on fire in protest of the police who destroyed his cart for operating without a license. However, further investigation revealed that the heretofore unknown popularity of 90’s singer Tracy Chapman is the true cause of the protests.
“There is a long history of niche American musical acts finding success abroad. Like (David) Hasselhoff in Germany, Chapman captured the hearts of Middle-Eastern people since her 1988 eponymous debut album. We believe that the escapist, second-wave feminist themes resonated with the people of the region.She may be the one uniting force between countries as different as Iran and Israel,” New York University Professor of Middle East Studies Theo Chambers said in his 1997 book, Give Me One Reason Why There Can’t Be Middle East Peace.
The song most responsible for the Arab Spring.
Chapman’s ascent to stardom overseas began during an early 1980’s trip, where she visited multiple religions’ holy sites in Asia. Chapman supported herself by playing demo versions of songs she would later release back in the U.S.
“It’s remarkable that one woman’s music is responsible for regime changes in Tunisia, Egypt, and Libya,” MSNBC host Rachel Maddow said.
Following the report, the United Nations Security Council unanimously authorized a resolution calling for Tracy Chapman to perform in Syria’s largest cities, in hopes that it can once again unite the nation marred by civil war.
While the influence of music is widely agreed upon by Middle East experts, some disagree about which song brought about the Arab Spring, with others claiming that Aaliyah or the Beatles could be equally responsible for protests that led to the downfall of multiple dictators.
April Employment Report Shows A Decrease in Primate Sector Jobs
D.C. — A new report released by the Department of Labor today revealed the loss of over 50,000 primate sector jobs during April.
Decreased demand in the circus, zoo, and eccentric millionaire industries has led to massive layoffs of many middle-class primates.
“I worked at the Detroit Zoo for over six years. Do you know how many children I entertained, how much joy I’ve brought to the world? Now I’m unemployed and homeless. It’s not easy for a middle-aged primate to change careers,” Oliver Winsome the Third, a spider-monkey, said.
As rough as the recession has been universally rough, young primates have received the brunt of the bad economy. The unemployment rate among primates ages 4-7 is 68 percent, almost double the rate of primates over seven years old.
“My friends and I are all in the same boat. Unless you have a the family connections, it’s hard to break in anywhere. Ringling Bros. requires at least 2-3 years of circus experience for an entry level position as a stunt monkey,” Rainbows, a three-year-old monkey said.
President Obama has announced a series of measures aimed at preventing the further loss of primate sector jobs, such as grants to fund State Fairs and tax breaks for middle-class families who own at least one primate.
SCANDAL: Obama 2012 Campaign Steals Slogan From MSNBC of all Places
Despite some successes, President Obama still faces a rough reelection campaign. His 2008 slogan, “Change”, won’t work on the jaded masses now. Fortunately, they have crafted a new slogan designed to keep Obama in the Oval Office.
At first, Forward seems good. It’s simple, chantable, and hashtag-able, all of which are required in modern politics. “I Like Ike” never would have trended on Twitter, mostly because Twitter didn’t exist then.
Anyway, the big news here is that the Obama campaign finally admits it is in the pocket of third or fourth rated cable news channel, MSNBC.
The resemblance is uncanny. Either the Obama campaign clearly decided to steal from MSNBC in hopes of catching the prison TV show viewer demographic, which could be critical to his reelection efforts, or the campaign likes the idea and was sure it would be fresh to America at-large since nobody watches MSNBC.
Time will only tell if MSNBC reacts to this blatant creative theft. I expect Rachel Maddow to “ether” the Obama campaign tonight on her show.
MSNBC Writes Local News Scare Trend Piece About Teenagers Drinking Hand Sanitizer to get Drunk.
The local news scare piece is a form created to exploit parents’ natural concern for their kids by describing anecdotal events as “trends that all the teenagers are doing.” Some previous examples include rainbow parties, vodka eyeballing, and vodka gummy bears.
In the most recent iteration, this story claims that kids are distilling hand sanitizer in order to make a strong alcohol shot.
There’s a new dangerous trend among teenagers — trying to get drunk by guzzling hand sanitizer. Over the past month at least eight teens in Los Angeles County have landed in area emergency rooms with alcohol poisonings after drinking the cheap liquid, the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles reports.
Eight teens, that’s a lot of teens, probably over 50 percent of the total teenage American population. I already fear for all of our lives.
While this news story could be effective on a parent with a distant relationship to his or her own child and trusts scare pieces by ratings-hungry networks and websites over their own children, it likely wont work on anyone with a critical thought.
The story also buried the real news of this story.
According to the American Association of Poison Control Centers, the substances most frequently involved in teen poisonings in 2010 (the most recent data available) were:
Ibuprofen — 10,030 calls
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (Antidepressants such as Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft) — 8,419 calls
Acetaminophen (adult formula) — 7,995 calls
Atypical Antipsychotics (Ablify, Risperdal) — 7,319 calls
Benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax) — 7,192
Alcohol — 5,061 calls
Source: AAPCC
Scandal! As a young journalist myself, I will write a local new scare piece about all of the teenagers trying to get their fix from Ibuprofen.
They call it, beating-the-crap-out-of-yourself-then-taking-a-bunch-of-pain-meds-ing. Teenagers all around the world are doing it, from Amsterdam to Zaire, and also in the United States of America.
According to a non-representative statistic that doesn’t even have the decency to pretend that there is a statistical trend showing a consistent rise of this behavior, five kids talked about beating-the-crap-out-of-yourself-then-taking-a-bunch-of-pain-meds-ing while they were behind me in the line for the midnight viewing of The Hunger Games, so this is clearly happening everywhere.
An expert who really wants to read his or her name in an article said he guesses that beating-the-crap-out-of-yourself-then-taking-a-bunch-of-pain-meds-ing is dangerous and on the rise, because, I don’t know, Internet?
Journalism.
Source: MSN
Fox News Quietly Replaces one Blonde with another Blonde
New York City — Unbeknownst to many viewers, Fox News executives replaced Afternoon newsreader Alice Powers with fellow blonde Melissa Thompson. While the change occurred three months ago, many regular viewers did not notice the switch until Ms. Powers joined Ms. Thomspon on set for a special news report.
“Thought I was seeing double,” stay-at-home mom Natalie Lockwood said.
Even Ms. Powers’ colleagues at Fox failed to notice her absence.
“She came in two inches shorter a while back. Figured that she just stopped wearing heels all the time,” segment producer Lee Childs said. “I probably should have noticed that she was a completely different person at that point.”
The news of the switch does not seem like it will harm Fox’s viewership.
