Young Man Yells At Cloud

China Denies Hacking Into U.S. Satellite it Paid For

Beijing — Chinese officials today denied NASA’s claims that China was behind a recent wave of hacking attacks targeting United States telecommunication satellites. 

The satellites, which were funded in part by the billions of dollars of U.S. bonds purchased by China, began malfunctioning Monday. A naval fleet conducting exercises  noticed innacuricies between their own calculations and those of the hacked satellites. 

“Errors in SkyMap-5 led to significant confusion on the part of our officers and soldiers,” Navy Secretary Ray Mabus said in a statement released yesterday. 

A joint investigation between NASA and the Defense Department led to a small suburb of Beijing. 

“We are certain that this was in fact an act of aggression, not technical error on the part of NASA,” Sec. Mabus said. 

China immediately denied the claims, calling them “false and unfounded.”

“The Peoples’ Republican of China is not behind these attacks. Why would we try to break something paid for by the collective might of our 2 billion citizens? That is an absurd assertion. China is deeply offended by such accusations, especially considering how the debt ceiling fiasco last summer almost made you miss your monthly payment to us,” President Hu Jintao said in a speech Tuesday night. 

NASA and the Defense Department pledged to conduct another investigation in order to confirm their initial findings. In spit of this, China maintains its initial response. 

“We believe that further investigation into these satellites would be a waste of U.S. taxpayer funds, particularly in light of the dismal American debt situation. The “shining beacon on a hill” should be concerned with paying its electricity bill,” president Hu said before promptly dropping his microphone.