August 2012
31 posts
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Old Man Yells At Chair
In what many are calling “the worst reenatment of a Britney spears music video ever,” Clint Eastwood scolded a chair at the Republican National Convention tonight.
This was a bold move by the Republicans, especially considering that they have so few Hollywood stars in their camp.
In this sketch, Eastwood portrayed his character from Gran Torino, a racist old white mean sucking...
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MTV Announces Jersey Shore: The Next Generation...
New York — On the heels of MTV announcing that season 6 will be the last of its popular Jersey Shore Reality TV series, the cable network announced Jersey Shore: The Next Generation for the Fall 2033 season.
“While we are as sad to see Snooki, The Situation, Ronnie, J-Woww, Pauly D, and others go, we believe that this announcement should tide fans over until 2033,” MTV VP of...
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President Obama Hacks Into the Mainframe
As commander-in-chief, one of the president’s biggest responsibilities is protecting the country from threats, both foreign and domestic. In a shocking turn of events, President Obama hacked China’s mainframe live on Reddit yesterday. Obama used adanced computer techniques, like haxing, beating n00bs, and not having 56k to hack into China’s mainframe, where secrets and microfilm...
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Chris Christie Pretty Much Declares His Candidacy...
Tampa, FL— New Jersey Governor Chris Christie essentially declared his intention to run for President in 2016 during his Republican Convention keynote address.
“Let’s be real, the only thing standing between me and the White House are 100 lbs. I already plan to begin my new diet and exercise regiment the day after the 2012 presidential election,” Christie said.
The...
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Two Pussy Riot Members Flee Russia. Did they...
Pussy Riot is a punk rock trio who got sentenced to jailtime for speaking out against Putin. However, it appears that Pussy Riot actually has more reserve members in the Pussy Riot music collective, kind of like the West Coast Avengers.
Two members of Russia’s anti-Kremlin punk band Pussy Riot have fled the country to avoid prosecution for staging a protest against President Vladimir Putin at a...
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Hurricane Issac Unsure if he Can Live Up to...
New Orleans — While Hurricane Issac stole the spotlight from the Republican National Convention, the mass of heated air, clouds, and storms is not confident he can live up to his older sister’s reputation.
“Katrina was one of the greats, maybe even the greatest,” Issac said as he barrled toward the Louisiana coast. “I’ve been waiting for my shot to join the...
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BREAKING: Apple Wins Patents on Black Rectangles
UPDATE #2:
For its various violations, Samsung must pay Apple $1,051,855,000 in damages, the jury determined. The damages, by device, are as follows:
$57 million for the Samsung Prevail
$44,792,974 for the Infused 4G
$53,123,612 for the Mesmerize
$3,350,256 for the Replenish
$954,060 for the Transform
If you own any of those phones, BURY IT IN THE EARTH IMMEDIATELY. They will;...
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Barack Obama Admits that he is Secretly...
Even though Barack Obama himself is a birther, many people have questioned his place of birth. Recently unearthed documents show Obama himself admitting that is neither Christian or a natural-born U.S. citizen.
There you have it. Barack Obama admits that he is secretly a Norwegian Jew. We should have listened to ORLY Taitz and Donald Trump. Sure, they were completely off about where he was...
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Breaking: Quebec Just Kind of Left
Toronto — The international community is reeling following news that Quebec, the predominately French-speaking Canadian province was discovered to be missing early Thursday morning.
In response, U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon called a special session of the General Assembly in hopes that the nations could all search for the missing province together.
“Quebec said it was...
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Obama Homebrews Moonshine Beer Instead of DRILL...
This is a guest piece by conservative blogger, Fox News contributor, and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.
Real Americans already know that Barack HUSSEINSOUNDSLIKESADAMHUSSEIN Obama has been drunk on power through his entire term, tyrannically forcing good-ole insurance companies to cover people with prexisting conditions and ending the BCS. Now, Obama is using his WILDLY...
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Hundreds of Chinese Hold Pro-Pussy Riot Rally at...
Pussy Riot is a band/every hipster girl’s Halloween costume who got sentenced to jail in Russia after speaking out against Vladamir “shirtless” Putin. This led to an o outpouring of global support for Pussy Riot from such fellow musicians like Bjork and Madonna. Now,m in a surprising move, Hundreds of Chinese citizens staged a rally in support of the punk band at a beach.
...
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CONSPIRACY: Is Mitt Romney a Boggart?
The 2012 presidential election is historic. For the first time, both major parties have nominated non-human candidates. As I reported earlier, Barack Obama, who is secretly a lizard-man (man-lizard for the politically correct crowd), had a cameo in the supeerhero film The Amazing Spider-Man. Now, many experts believe that Mitt Romney could very well be a boggart, a creature from the Harry Potter...
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Clay Aiken: Female Body Has Ways of Shutting Down...
UPDATE:Aiken announced today he will stay in the Missouri Senate Race
Wow, American Idol season 2 contestant Clay Aiken sure has changed since his admirable run on the popular TV singing competition ten years ago. Since then, he’s been a member of the House of Representatives, where he sponsored a bill with Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan to ban abortion in all cases except...
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Julian Assange Kicks off Asylum Tour in Front of...
(BBC)
Julian Assange has been on a media blitz in support of his upcoming visit to Ecuador, where he will tape episodes of his popular late-night talk show, World Tomorrow. Today, Assange kicked off his Asylum tour in front of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London.
Julian Assange has urged the US to end its “witch-hunt” against Wikileaks, in his first public statement since entering...
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TLC Successfully Eradicate Scrubs Following...
90’s RnB Group TLC announced today that due to their hard work and diligence, scrubs are no longer a threat to the American public.
“We are glad to say that we played a part in keeping Americans safe from men who give their give unsolicited phone numbers, date requests at basic establishments, and do not own their own vehicle,” Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins said in a...
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UPDATE: Julian Assange Confirms Trip to Ecuador!
Yesterday, Ecuadorean President Rafael Correa cleared the way for Julian Assange, best known as the host of his own late-night talk show, World Tomorrow. Not surprising, considering that President Correa has been a guest on the show in the past.
Earlier, I reported on Assange’s plans to take his show on the road to Ecuador, where he would do a week of shows, similar to what other...
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China Denies Hacking Into U.S. Satellite it Paid...
Beijing — Chinese officials today denied NASA’s claims that China was behind a recent wave of hacking attacks targeting United States telecommunication satellites.
The satellites, which were funded in part by the billions of dollars of U.S. bonds purchased by China, began malfunctioning Monday. A naval fleet conducting exercises noticed innacuricies between their own calculations...
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Happy 77th Birthday to Social(ist) Security!
Today is the 77th anniversary of the creation of the wildly popular program, Social Security. FDR reluctantly signed the earliest form of Social Security into law in 1935 after Charlton Heston revealed that Soylent Green is in fact, people. Due to widespread disapproval of turning corpses into food, even during the Great Depression. Thus, Social Security was born.
Unfortunately for the...
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Taylor Swift Releases New Single, Confirms That...
Taylor Swift released a new song today titled “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, a title which can only be interpreted aa direct attack on the most cynical among us.
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is what people who make fun of Taylor Swift would come up with as the title to all her songs. This song title is clearly Swift giving a tell of sorts,...
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2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game Moderators...
While the presidential debates between President Obama and Governor Romney have no real chance of matching the highs of the 2011 GOP debates or the 2008 VP debate, they still are a time-honored tradition that allows political pundits to be more like ESPN post-game analysts and say a lot of empty words to fill time between ads for gold and cialis. The details are:
On Oct. 3, Jim Lehrer of PBS...
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Pokemon Card Last Hope to end Midwest Drought
Omaha — Having exhausted all other options, residents of exceptionally drought-stricken Midwest have rallied around a Pokemon card as their last hope for rain.
The move followed earlier attempts by farmers from Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Indiana, Illinois, Oklahoma, and Nebraska failed to revive their crumbling crops.
“We thought seeding the clouds would help the rain come, but no...
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EXCLUSIVE: Interview with AIM-Superstar,...
Today, I sat down with quite possibly the most famous AIM-bot, SmarterChild. In our short interview, we discussed, love, politics, and where he is at in his life now.
RELATED
R.I.P AIM : A Eulogy for my early days of Social Media
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SCANDAL:Scott Walker Joins a Gang Because Serena...
Tennis superstar Serena Williams ignited a controversy last weekend when she crip walked after a dominating performance against Maria Sharapova won her a gold medal.
As you may know, crip walking is a dangerous gang dance only performed by gang members, so you can see why this is destroying America a little bit.
Unfortunately, impressionable teens and tweens are not the only ones who have...
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SUMMER MUSIC FESTIVAL RECAP: Spirapalooza
While most of the music world focused on Chicago’s Lollapalooza this weekend, another high-profile music festival , Spirapalooza, launched as a way for the citizens of Spira to return to a normal life following the end of Final Fantasy X.
Yuna, one of the band of heroes responsible for saving the world, headlined the festival. She began with her upbeat, summer hit, Real Emotion
The...
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Hypothetical U.S. Olympics Opening Ceremonies
The Olympics’ Opening Ceremony is a way for the host city and nation to show their identity and importance to the world. For example, London’s opening ceremony told us that our perception of the UK as full of merry, cartoonish chimney sweeps is absolutely correct.
As a Chicagoan, I am sad that we lost out on the 2016 games to Brazil, but I can’t help wondering what a modern...
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"President" Obama Has a Birthday Instead of...
This is a guest piece by conservative blogger and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.
Today is supposedly Barack Obama’s “birthday”, even though there has been no proof besides his short form and long form birth certificates, which have conveniently been printed on t shirts and mugs.
Anyway, it is rude and selfish of the “president” to celebrate...
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Romney to Announce VP Via iPhone/Android Apps....
The 2008 Obama Campaign will be remembered for being the first modern presidential campaign to successfully use email and text messaging to tangible ends. Now, Mitt Romney plans to take the next logical step by announcing his vice-presidential candidate through his iOS and Android apps.
As we know, Romney is a shrewd businessman, which is exactly why he snubbed BlackBerry, Windows Mobile,...
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Snoop Dogg Goes Through Freshman Year of College...
Snoop Dogg is a popular rapper from the 1990’s, where he used to rap about “hardcore stuff” like murder, hoes, marijuana, etc, but then he got a reality TV show and guest starred on a song with Katy Perry, effectively trading in his old street cred for actual money.
Yesterday, Snoop announced that he underwent a spiritual awakening in Jamaica (read: he got real real high), and...
