Young Man Yells At Cloud

First they came for the BlackBerries, and I didn’t speak out because I had moved on to touchscreen phones.

Then they came for the Android phones, and I didn’t speak out because I wanted the most updated operated system

Then they came for Instagram, and I didn’t speak out because I was there first.

Then they came for the iPhone, and there was no relevant smartphone brand left to place a false sense of superiority upon. 

The dirty poors have long been advancing upon the iPhone. Now the Cricket iPhone has truly ruined it for all of the upstanding contract iPhone customers. 

Previous coverage: 

Mitt Romney is running largely on his business experience. As a former executive, Romney knows that sometimes, a company has to rebrand after potentially bad public relations disasters. 

This is a bold, but necessary move. Romney understands that America’s stock truly has fallen during the Obama presidency. Everyone knows that it is easier to keep a credit score,than rebuild it. Not to mention how much money we owe other countries. “Amercia” will allow us to have a fresh start in a new town, maybe meet a nice resource-rich third world nation and start all over again. 

The former governor likely was inspired by Phillip Morris’ rebranding to Altria after the landmark tobacco lawsuit by the states. 

People often chide Romney for bowing to public opinion, but his actions here are most definitely presidential. 

NBC has had many ratings-related woes in recent years, with the exception of The Voice. Now, NBC has announced yet another TV singing competition with yet another twist. 

The Winner Is, from the producers of The Voice, will feature contestants of all ages being judged by an in-studio panel (led by a yet-to-be-determined celebrity) and fighting for a $1 million prize. The show’s big twist is thatit will focus on head-to-head battles, and before the results are revealed, singers will be able to negotiate deals with their opponents, choosing to exit the show in exchange for a predetermined cash prize or continue on in the game. The amount of money each duel is worth will increase with every round, right up until the finale.

In the finale, eight acts will duel and negotiate. After their performances, each contestant will have the chance to walk away with $100,000 — or they can leave it on the table and await the jury vote and votes from viewers, giving them a shot at the $1 million prize.

While I understand the motivation to to with what works, the singing competition format is already saturated with too many shows. As of this year, there will be:

American Idol (FOX), X Factor (FOX), The Voice (NBC, twice per year), Duets (ABC), The Star Next Door (CW), Opening Act (E!), America’s Got Talent (NBC), and Sunday Best (BET)

Even Idol, which has been a ratings juggernaut for years, had its lowest rated finale this year, even lower than the first season. In Idol’s weakness, the other networks pounced, quickly crafting their own variants of the core Idol formula.

The Winner Is sounds like a flop already. Most of these shows will be gone within two years, similar to the primetime game show boom of the early 2000’s spearheaded by Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Songxia, China — Chinese officials and Patriot Bootstrap Inc. CEO Richard Hoffman broke ground on a new bootstrap factory today in southern China. The new factory is slated to open in early 2013, and will employ over 4,000 workers. 

Mr. Hoffman decided to move production to China to help cut costs during a rough economy. 

“Look, I was hit by the financial adjust as hard as everybody else. It’s just plain easier to do business in China, where costs are lower and overzealous safety regulations don’t slow down job creators like myself,” Mr. Hoffman said. 

Hoffman denies allegations claiming that the loss of domestic boostrap production was not only an economic, but also a symbolic hit against the United States. 

“It was a simple choice - make slightly less profit while maintaining domestic production, or saying ‘fuck it’ and moving to China, and what red-blooded American male could resist fucking it (the economy),” Mr. Hoffman said.

Thousand Oaks, Calif —Incumbent City Council Representative Charlene Nelson lost her seat on Thousand Oaks City Council Tuesday. Ms. Nelson was bested by an animated GIF of the late singer Whitney Houston. She conceded the race late Tuesday night at a campaign event in her home.

“I would like to thank the fine people of Thousand Oaks for their support during my eight years of service. The animated GIF ran an excellent campaign, and I wish her all the best in city council,” Ms. Nelson said. 

Local voters claimed to have picked the GIF due to its strong stance on fiscal accountability. 

Ms. Nelson’s reelection bid was hurt further by a recent scandal alleging her involvement in a cash-for-rezoning scandal. While Ms. Nelson weathered the media firestorm, she emerged significantly weakened. 

The Nelson Campaign hoped to rebound during the final debate Saturday, but the GIF’s insistence on responsible accounting kept Ms. Nelson from victory. 

“I wanna see the receipts!” the GIF said repeatedly. 

In addition to being the first black president, Ronald Reagan is truly one of the most important presidents of the 20th century. It is necessary for nearly every national Republican candidate to claim how much they agree with the “idea of Reagan” even if it doesn’t always match the actual president. The exception is if you were pre-(economic) crisis Mitt Romney, who claimed to be an independent during Reagan’s presidency. 

Here is information from the article:

A Channel Islands auction house says it’s selling a vial that allegedly contains blood residue from Ronald Reagan — a move denounced Tuesday by the late U.S. president’s family and his foundation.

The vial being auctioned online was used by the laboratory that tested Reagan’s blood when he was hospitalized after a 1981 assassination attempt in Washington, the PFCAuctions house said.

The Reagan family denies that this blood truly belonged to Ronald, but it makes sense, considering the many rumors of its unique abilities. It is the conservative equivalent of the Arc of the Covenant. 

While the special properties of Reagan’s blood are unknown, I have compiled a list of possible effects:

1. Revives the economy ten years and two presidents later.

2. Allows Michele Bachmann to reach Super Saijain level 2.

3. Removes grape juice from carpet

4. Will burn if sprinkled on a welfare queen, provided she is outside of her Cadillac. 

5. Secret ingredient in Coca-Cola

6. Quenches Cheney’s thirst for at least 7 hours

7. Turns Mitt Romney into a “real boy”

Sony announced a new fighting game last month featuring many of Sony’s most popular characters. Comparisons were immediately drawn with Nintendo’s wildly popular Super Smash Bros. series. Many fans wondered if Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series, would appear in Sony All-Stars. Snake would make sense, considering that every major MGS game has been released on a Sony system, and the original MGS was one of Playstation’s most popular titles. 

However, some thought that Snake’s appearance in 2008’s Super Smash Bros Brawl might prohibit an appearance in the Sony game. 

Today, IGN found a tweet from a Sony All-Stars voice actor, which implies that Snake, along with Nathan Drake from Uncharted and Cole from inFamous will all appear. 

This isn’t a shocker but, it will be interesting to see how fanboys react to this news. 

Whew, what an inflammatory headline! Now onto what the real headline would be if the internet didn’t ruin certain aspects of journalism. 

Zombies Are An Escapist Fantasy For Egotistical People 

There, not so bad, and it even has a clear thesis to accompany its implication! Well, here we go!

One of my coworkers recently asked me if I had a zombie survival plan. Yes I do, next to my plans for giving birth to a unicorn or achieving the american dream. Of course I don’t have a plans for impossible things. I have possible things like making enough money to eat food to worry about first!

I can’t stand zombie movies, books, or zombie anything really. If zombies existed, I would be racist against zombies.

My problem with the zombie genre, is that its a selfish fantasy. Nobody ever has a fantasy about their zombie apocalypse where they are the person who dies. It’s always everyone you hate. The high school bully, the guy who cut you off when you were driving, the girl who wouldn’t go out with you.

The fantasy is pretty much always the same: you, and the other last remaining human on earth who always happens to be an attractive person you would like to fuck and what a coincidence, all of her/his ‘asshole boyfriends/girlfriends’ are dead from zombies so she’ll never friendzone you now! She has no other options. Then, one morning, you wake up alone. Your mind fills with panic as you frantically search your post-apocalyptic hut for your beloved, only to find her/him having sex with her/his zombified-ex. Then you just throw grenades and set everything on fire because you will never be happy. 

Basically, what I’m saying is that the zombie apocalypse and the Christian rapture are the same thing. They both work to selfishly get rid of everyone you hate and play on the idea that you are somehow so special that you will get to go to heaven in the first round of the rapture draft or survive the zombie apocalypse.

The irony is that zombie fans and fundamentalists would enjoy the others’ ego-escapist fantasy. A stockpile of guns and ammo bought shortly after Obama’s 2008 win would do much better than your vinyl records and kitchen knives against a zombie horde. Similarly, Zombie fans would love to have the planet to themselves, and could finally combat things like climate change, which could be worsened by all the unpleasant things that are supposed to happen post-rapture.

Now, I will end with a video of the Cranberries’ “Zombie”

Greatlakesinsider.com, a Midwest nature magazine, avoided certain death this week after compiling a 50-slide “news story” on fifty fun things to do around the Great Lakes this summer. 

Many news publications have struggled to adapt their more traditional, comprehensive storytelling style with the shorter, punchier nature of the Internet.

“This was a big change for us. Our model of attracting readers based on compelling content didn’t pan out, so we choose to switch to a slideshow-article format,” Great Lakes Insider Editor Ted Swartz said. 

Great Lakes Insider is one of many websites apparently saved by these stories, which consumers overwhelmingly prefer. 

“I cannot stand reading large blocks of text,” Grand Rapids, Michigan resident Mary Hawthorne said. “I much prefer the article be broken up sentence by sentence and placed on an individual webpage with a barely related picture on top.”

The changes immediately raised Great Lakes Insider ‘s page views, which allowed the site more leverage with ad buyers. While many readers are thankful for the site’s survival, others wonder if the move permanently damaged the website’s credibility. 

“Sure, we don’t get to do as much in-depth reporting as we used to do, but I consider  it a compromise. After all, we could be doing listicles,” Mr. Swartz said.

D.C — U.S. News and World Report, known for its annual college rankings, debuted its guide to the top parents’ homes to move back into today. The publication cites the record number of recent college graduates living back at home as the reason for the new lists.

“College graduates today are already burdened with an average of $28,000 in student loan debt and the misfortune of entering the weakest job market in decades. The last thing they want on their mind is picking which of America’s millions of parent-filled homes they should move into,” U.S. News editor Brian Kelly said.

Similar to the collegiate rankings, the new lists cover a variety of areas, like “Parents’ homes most likely not to charge rent”, “Parents least likely to bring up the success of your siblings daily,” and the ever-popular “top party homes.”

The guide also lists tips on getting into the more selective parents’ homes, like the Norman and Joan Wilkerson of San Diego, Calif. While nepotism remains the easiest way to get into a parents’ home after college, a strong, diverse skill set can give a stranger leverage over a parents’ own son or daughter. 

Passion Pit is one of my favorite electo-pop bands. They are known for being the second most played band on the MGMT Pandora station. Passion Pit has been touring on their Chunk of Change EP and Manners for years, probably because they were scared of getting the same backlash MGMT received for its less commercial sophomore album, Congratulations. 

If Take A Walk is typical of the songs on Passion Pit’s new album, then the band has smartly chosen to stay true to the sound that made The Reeling and Sleepyhead hit songs for brands that wanted indie cred. 

D.C. — A new report released by the Department of Labor today revealed the loss of over 50,000 primate sector jobs during April.

Decreased demand in the circus, zoo, and eccentric millionaire industries has led to massive layoffs of many middle-class primates. 

“I worked at the Detroit Zoo for over six years. Do you know how many children I entertained, how much joy I’ve brought to the world? Now I’m unemployed and homeless. It’s not easy for a middle-aged primate to change careers,” Oliver Winsome the Third, a spider-monkey, said. 

As rough as the recession has been universally rough, young primates have received the brunt of the bad economy. The unemployment rate among primates ages 4-7 is 68 percent, almost double the rate of primates over seven years old. 

“My friends and I are all in the same boat. Unless you have a the family connections, it’s hard to break in anywhere. Ringling Bros. requires at least 2-3 years of circus experience for an entry level position as a stunt monkey,” Rainbows, a three-year-old monkey said. 

President Obama has announced a series of measures aimed at preventing the further loss of primate sector jobs, such as grants to fund State Fairs and tax breaks for middle-class families who own at least one primate.