Young Man Yells At Cloud

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

18. Ulysses Grant

Is he related to President Grant from Scandal?

No.

But is he having an affair with Olivia Pope?

Think about what you just asked. 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 30 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

17. Andrew Johnson

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 27 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

Los Gatos, Calif — Netflix announced its plans to release the entire 2016 U.S. Presidential Election at once later this year. 

The announcement comes in the wake of Netflix’s hit original political drama, House of Cards. 

“Fans and critics alike have praised not only House of Cards top-notch production, but also its groundbreaking new distribution model,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said. 

The first of the show’s two seasons will center on New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie’s attempt to win the Republican presidential nomination following an early loss in the Iowa Caucus. 

The second season, set to release on New Year’s Day 2014, will focus on Christie’s tough general election campaign against former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. 

“By consolidating the months of attack ads, debates, tumblr memes, and punditry into 30 episodes, we give viewers the opportunity to follow the election of their leader at their own pace,” Hastings said.

Netflix won the right to the untitled series after an intense bidding war with HBO. The cable juggernaut congratulated Netflix in a statement released earlier today.

“While we ere initially interest in the [2016 Election] project, early focus group testing showed revealed that most Americans do not care about the intricacies of politics,” HBO spokesperson Maryanne Wallace said.

“Did you know that almost half of the electorate doesn’t even bother to vote in a presidential election? With those odds, how could a show like his even work,” Wallace said. 

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

16. Abraham Lincoln 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

But didn’t he fre-?

Yes

So shouldn’t he at least be an honora-?

No.

Stay Tuned for next 28 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

15. James Buchanan 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 29 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

Washington — Following calls for incresed vertical integration and workflow streamlining, U.S. Synergy Secretary Henry Dawson announced an initiative to touch base with  75 percent of Americans by mid-quarter 3.

The move, outlined in a 25 panel deck during a mid-morning power-huddle, contains at three distinct phases. 

“We still have a cuss and discuss about a few issues on the Chinese menu, but we should be ready to ramp up the cross-sectional reviews in time for our Q3 pipeline, provided we minimize pushback,” Sec. Dawson said.

Many pundits believe that the Synergy Department is downplaying potential downstream conflicts, particularly the chance that pipeline schedules could easily delay base touching to as far as Q2 2019.

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

14. Franklin Pierce 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 30 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

Vatican City — Despite the short timeframe since his loss to Incumbent President Barack Obama last November, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced his intention to run for the soon-to-be-vacted top Papal office. 

Romney, a devout Mormon, announced his plans in a press release issued only seconds after the Vatican revealed that Pope Benedict’s resignation effective February 28th. 

“I learned many lessons from the 2012 campaign. Chief among this is to never stop trying, no matter what. I see Pope Benedict’s resignation as a sign from the Almighty. Maybe I was not meant to be President, but I am meant to be Pope.”

Romney balked at  critics who argue that his devout Mormon past will get in the way of his 2013 Papal run, saying that he had no problems changing policy positions during his Presidential bids and that as a former “turnaround artist”, he knows how to revive dying institutions. 

“The Catholic Church in America is shrinking. Parishes are closing, and churches are being consolidated day-by-day. I know how to fix that!

The former governor plans to begin his campaign today in Vatican City, where he will meet with key members of the College of Cardinals. Romney said he looks forward to gaining their support, also noting that the College of Cardinals is a much fairer election system than the Electoral College. 

It is never too early to begin planning for a Halloween costume, particularly considering the potential gravity of the choice. A knockout Halloween costume can have people talking for weeks, while a lame “rip up some thrift store clothes, put blood and makeup on, and call it a day” will be forgotten while you sweat it all off at a Halloween party.

MEN

3. Barack Obama

Having successfully made it to his second term in office, Obama now gets to continue his hate-hate relationship with Congress. Also, since he no longer will run for office, liberal are now free to criticize him. 

What you need: A suit, classified documents on targeted killings of U.S. citizens. 

2. Lance Armstrong 

For some reason, people demanded a public flogging of former Tour-de-France winner Lance Armstrong because he used steroids which I guess is significantly different from college student taking adderall or an aspiring actress getting implants.

What you need: A suit, Oprah (for an interview), Livestrong bracelet.

1. Manti Te’o

The Manti Te’o story is one of the best TV shows of the Winter Season. No other TV show combines widespread systemic journalistic ineptitude, an MTV show called “Catfish”, a non-existant girlfriend. It seemingly came to an end this past week when alleged mastermind spoke with Doctor 

What you need: The gullibility of a 2-year-old, NFL-caliber athleticism. 

WOMEN

3. Hillary Clinton 

Hillary ended her stint as Secretary of State this month, leaving Fox News anchors without someone to constantly badger about Benghazi. 

What you need: Pantsuit, Benghazi Flu (conservative)/blood clot (liberal)

2. Manti Te’o’s Non-existant Girlfriend 

Not since Paula Abdul and MC Scat Cat has the public been so fully enraptured by a half-fictional pair of  star-crossed lovers.

What you need: A wild imagination

1. Beyoncé

With performances lined up for the Super Bowl and the Presidential Inauguration, January was supposed to be her month. Unfortunately for her,  lip-syncing scandal halted her momentum. She recovered briefly with her Super Bowl Halftime Show performance, but when her publicist asked websites to take down unflattering pictures of Beyonce, the Internet did what the Internet does:

What you need: Nobody but Beyoncé can be Beyoncé.

BONUS

This is a guest piece by conservative blogger, Fox News contributor, paralegal, and Parent-Teacher Association President Gretchen Knox.

Many of you have written me emails, probably claiming that I am biased “I am NOT!” However, I do not read them, because I prefer the intimacy of good ole’ fashioned TRADITIONAL AMERICAN VALUES MAIL. 

Now you might think “Gretchen, but don’t you hate big gubberment programs?” and I do as all God-fearing Americans should, BUT , I also formed my political opinions in 1972 and will not let a little INTERNET ruin the time-honored traditions of yesteryear, especially ones rooted in our HOLY CONSTITUTION. 

I refuse to sit idly by as barack HUSSEIN obama continues to crap on the Constitution.   We patriots must rise up and return to our roots, mailing letters on parchment with a quill pen while struggling with dysentary. Until we do this, Obama will continue to torch our hallowed rights. 

I urge you: delete your Yahoo, your Bing, Your GoogleFace, and sit down and write some letters. I am even getting my Hipster Nephew in on it. (I told him that it’s vintage lol hipsters)

FUN FACT: Did you know that every second, a slice of the Constitution the size of a football field is used as toilet paper by Obama and his “family”?

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

 13. Millard Fillmore 

Was he the first nerd president?

Hell yeah with a name like “Millard” I bet people stole his coin-purse all the time in high school. 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 31 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

12. Zachary Taylor

Is he named after Home Improvement child star Jonathan Taylor-Thomas?

No, that’s not how names or biology work.

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 32 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

Who Was the First Black President? (Part 11 of 44)

National Rifle Association leader Wayne LaPierre shocked the country when, in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre, he suggested that every school should have armed guards. Now, the NRA released an ad slamming President Obama for opposing their proposal suggesting an armed guard in every school in America, despite having armed security (Secret  Service) for his kids. 

Of course they aren’t more important, but they are operating under significantly different circumstances than the vast majority of American kids. Specifically, most kids’ parents aren’t on the receiving end of death threats. 

It is important to note the distinction between children who should be able to reasonably expect to be safe at school and children of world leaders whose lives are in moreso in danger just by virtue of being the child of the President of the United States.

Or, you could make a reductive Ad that fails to distinguish the different circumstances faced by average American Children vs. the President’s children. 

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

11. James K. Polk 

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 33 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

In a move praised by the Department of Labor, Pop superstar Beyonce announced that she will reunite with all 546  former members of Destiny’s Child for her Super Bowl Halftime Performance. 

The reunion idea was first floated by Beyonce’s friend First Lady Michelle Obama. The move is expected to temporarily employee the more than 500 former glorified backup singers and dancers, who are, for the most part, unemployed. 

Some of the confirmed returning Destiny’s Child members include Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, that one chick, La-something, evil Beyonce, Sasha fierce, Maya Angelou, The Cheetah Girls, Tina Fey, and the cashier from Speedway.

Miami — Despite the University of Alabama football team’s third BCS National Championship win in four years, the school’s state has yet to improve its dismal secondary, undergraduate, and graduate rankings.

The blowout win against the University of Notre Dame, was called fairly early after the Crimson Tide gained a 21-0 lead in the first quarter. 

Following the 42-14 final score, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said he was pleased with  his squad’s dominant performance, but was concerned that his state still ranked 46th in High School graduation rate.

“I just don’t understand why Eddie Lacy’s 1st quarter touchdown didn’t improve junior high students’ literacy rate,” Saban said in a post-game interview. 

Saban went on to say that he accepted the head coach position at Alabama to improve the states’ schools, not to win BCS titles. Unfortunately, the great on-field success has failed to translate to the state’s many underperforming schools. 

Notre Dame is similarly disappointed in their performance last night, particularly because a win would not have only signaled a return to relevance, but also might have helped to decrease Indiana’s rampant crystal meth epidemic. 

Yesterday, John Boehner was granted a second term as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Some people thought a possible Eric Cantor coup was brewing based off of the fiscal cliff negotiations, however, no such attempt occurred. 

However, the most interesting news is that for the first time in American history, a dog received a vote for Barker Speaker of the House of Representatives. 

This is a huge moment for dog-Americans everywhere. Dogs have already  broken the glass ceiling in numerous different sports.

Basketball

Football

Baseball 

Politics very well may be the next arena that dogs will break into. This is only the beginning for Canine Congressmen.

In a harrowing 44-part series, I will examine each President and answer the toughest question of all: Who really was the first black president? Have we even had a black president? By combining the most current research with expert analysis, I will settle the debate raging through this great nation.

10. John Tyler

Was he the first black president?

No. 

Stay Tuned for next 34 installments of “Who was the real first black president?”

PREVIOUSLY

Nashville — In what has become an annual formality, Santa Claus, beloved by children worldwide, has denied 9-year-old Tyler Roman’s third request for his parents to stop fighting in as many years.

The verdict, which was delivered early in December 25th by way of a note under the Roman family Christmas tree, stating that “Some things Santa can’t do.”

Tyler began the requests three years ago, shortly after his father was laid off from a factory in late October 2009. 

“Mommy and Daddy started to yell all the time. it really hurt my ears,” Tyler said. 

While initially certain that Santa would provide the Roman household with the peace Tyler sought, the situation only worsened. 

“Daddy drinks special adult juice a lot now. Sometimes he’s really fun, but other times it makes him real grumpy,” Tyler said. 

To improve his chances, Tyler became a model son, in hopes that his good behavior would lead to his biggest Christmas wish being granted. 

Recently, Tyler’s father, Dexter, “Went on a long vacation” and was not present for Christmas this year. Even with this seemingly apparent breakdown in family structure, Tyler held on to hope. 

“This year, I snuck downstairs and hid behind the couch waiting for Santa. Then I heard mommy talking to Santa and they sounded like they were having a lot of fun.”