New “Romneying” Fad Sweeps The Nation, Will Kill All Of Your Children
*This news story was written by veteran local news reporter Skip Peterson*
Tonight, we have a UPN News exclusive. A new, deadly craze is sweeping the nation. The kids call it, “Romneying”
A marijuana-smoking woman was arrested on Saturday in Phoenix after she accidentally drove away with her five-week-old son in a child safety seat on the roof of her vehicle, police said.
As you may know, Romney is known for having strapped his dog to the roof of the Romney family station wagon during a summer road trip. Mitt Romney, who has long been the youth vote’s candidate of choice, has obviously influenced the impressionable woman in this story.
The baby fell off the car in the middle of an intersection and was found unharmed and strapped into the seat, said Phoenix police spokesmanJames Holmes.
The mother Catalina Clouser, 19, was booked into jail on child abuse and aggravated assault charges, he said. The infant was taken to a local hospital as a precaution and is in the custody of stateChild Protective Services.
After the baby fell, the mom proceeded to hose down the baby to clean it off, then continued along her way.
The government has yet to release statistics detailing just how many babies have been killed or injured by the “Romneying” fad, but from my our statistical extrapolations and fear-based imaginations, almost a million babies have died as a result of the new craze.
Romneying will surely be a major issue during the Presidential debates. On one hand, Romney must be excited to so thoroughly capture the minds of young people, but if they keep Romneying at current imagined rates, there won’t be a youth vote alive in November to vote for him.
We at UPN Local 11 News urge parents to talk to your kids about the dangers of Romneying, especially if your child has already engaged in vodka eyeballing, butt chugging, bath salts, oregano, lipstick parties, sex act wristbands, or vodka gummy bears.
PREVIOUSLY: Mitt Romney Rebrands the U.S. as “Amercia”
Source: Yahoo!
Awful Zombie Apocalypse Fetishists Force CDC To Issue Statement Denying Zombie Apocalypse
Zombie apocalypse fetishists worldwide have noisily declared that glorious and gory day to finally be here. Unfortunately, they’ve been so annoying that the Center for Disease Control had to issue a statement denying the zombie apocalypse.
“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” wrote agency spokesman David Daigle in an email to The Huffington Post.
There, zombie fetishists. You have your government denial to further fuel your conspiracy about a cover up.
As the Cranberries said, it’s in your heeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
PREVIOUSLY:
OPINION: Zombie Everything Is Awful And You Should Feel Bad For Liking Them
Source: The Huffington Post
Brian McKnight Writes A Song About Anal, Continues Metamorphosis Into Human Meme
May Primate Sector Jobless Rate Rises to 9.3 Percent
Continuing last month’s trend, only 20,000 jobs were added to the primate sector in May, driving the unemployment rate up to 9.3 percent.
The losses surprised economists, who expected summer carnivals and state fairs to create at least 40,000 additional jobs, even if the hiring boom was seasonal.
“We underestimated the effect of fiscally conservative Republican-controlled state legislatures, which have moved to cut funding for state fairs and subsidies for traveling circuses, thus keeping thousands of primates out of work,” Stanford economist Zurich Swartz said.
Lemurs, who have long faced discrimination by both employers and others in the primate community, have been hardest hit by the recession.
Gumdrops, a 12-year-old single mother of two, has resorted to occasional jobs testing cosmetics and medicines, which only occasionally provide enough money for Gumdrops to feed her kids.
“I know it’s a risk, and a foolish one, but I don’t have time to plan ahead. My kids understand this. I just pray every day that a new eyeliner doesn’t cause massive tumors to grow over my eyes, blinding me from the sight of my beautiful kids forever, ” Gumdrops said.
Many experts believe President Obama has yet to address the primate jobs issue because primates do not currently have the right to vote.
Previously: April Employment Report Shows A Decrease In Primate Sector Jobs
Dirty Cricket Poors Descend Upon iPhone And Ruin it for EVERYONE
First they came for the BlackBerries, and I didn’t speak out because I had moved on to touchscreen phones.
Then they came for the Android phones, and I didn’t speak out because I wanted the most updated operated system
Then they came for Instagram, and I didn’t speak out because I was there first.
Then they came for the iPhone, and there was no relevant smartphone brand left to place a false sense of superiority upon.
The dirty poors have long been advancing upon the iPhone. Now the Cricket iPhone has truly ruined it for all of the upstanding contract iPhone customers.
Previous coverage:
Instagram Released for Android. Will Dirty Poors Ruin It?
Apple VP Rage-quits Instagram Because of Dirty Android Poors Ruining The Community
Source: suntimes.com
Mitt Romney Rebrands the U.S. as “Amercia”
Mitt Romney is running largely on his business experience. As a former executive, Romney knows that sometimes, a company has to rebrand after potentially bad public relations disasters.
This is a bold, but necessary move. Romney understands that America’s stock truly has fallen during the Obama presidency. Everyone knows that it is easier to keep a credit score,than rebuild it. Not to mention how much money we owe other countries. “Amercia” will allow us to have a fresh start in a new town, maybe meet a nice resource-rich third world nation and start all over again.
The former governor likely was inspired by Phillip Morris’ rebranding to Altria after the landmark tobacco lawsuit by the states.
People often chide Romney for bowing to public opinion, but his actions here are most definitely presidential.
Jay-Z and Kanye West Release New Illuminati Video for “No Church in the Wild”
As everyone knows, all popular musicians are card carrying members of the Illuminati/Freemasons/Buildrberg Group/Lizard people/ Your conspiracy overlord of choice. Jay-Z and Kanye West released a video for the intro track from their first collaborative album, Watch The Throne.
Here is the video for their next covert new world order message.
This is a statement on the youth protests across Europe, as well as the Occupy Movement in the US …
… which will eventually be suppressed by FEMA troops.
The Illuminati want a new world order, so first they must end the current world.
Reference to that funny UC Davis cop pepper spray meme. Even the Illuminati like to laugh!
Secret FEMA camps have lighting similar to raves.
While this looks like a victory pose by a member of the resistance …
It is actually a reference to Baphomet, a common Illuminati symbol
The resemblance is uncanny!
Obviously, these blue state, liberal elite rappers have to through in a dig at Romney and apply that he is a dying elephant. Typical Lamestream media.
Google+ Announces New Features That Nobody Will Use Because Nobody Uses Google+
Google+ is a social network that got a lot of buzz last year as an alternative to Facebook’s privacy issues. Unfortunately for G+, nobody cares about privacy if nobody is actually there to use the service.
Here are some features they added that only tech blogs will use just to review the app:
Google added a social element to its local search today, with the launch of Google+ Local. The new feature is largely an overhaul of Google’s Places pages, which show relevant information and reviews for more than 80 million places worldwide; the company rolled out a redesign of those pages in mobile search just yesterday, and it’s now adding that search and those pages into Google+.
While the added local recommendations are good, G+ still faces an unphill climb in both total users and regular, active users. Padding their stats by forcing new GMail users to create a G+ account will not solve their problem.
G+ is Google’s Facebook Phone. A sign that these companies know where they should be going (social/Google, increased monetization/Facebook), but not how to properly execute those goals.
Source: theverge.com
Facebook Begins Its Myspace-ification, Plans To Make “Facebook Phone”
Facebook’s record-setting initial public offering has dominated tech and business headlines for the past month, drawing speculation about if the reigning king of social media can continue its success as it becomes a publicly-traded company.
According to a New York Times article, Facebook’s first foolish plan as a publicly traded company is to make a Facebook themed phone, or, to be more accurate, another Facebook phone.
htc Status, an earlier attempt at a Facebook-branded phone.
A phone is a dumb idea for a number of reasons, chief among them is that Facebook has not even created great iOS and Android Facebook apps. Both are essentially glorified shortcuts to the extremely similar looking Facebook mobile webpage.
Facebook as a brand does not have much experience selling physical products. At least with Kindle Fire, Amazon already had experience testing its major apps on Android (Amazon Music, Amazon App Store), as well as being a retailer in their own right. Facebook is worth so much not because of what they make, but because of what they sell (our personal information).
The NYT article offers the possibility that Facebook could buy a smaller hardware manufacturer, like Research in Motion (BlackBerry) or HTC. Though, with either of those options, Facebook would likely be creating a custom version if BB OS or Android, neither of which would be enough to carve out its own unique and viable space in the mobile market.
This is the first of what will be many attempts by Facebook to squeeze money out of their users. As with Myspace, a perfect storm of new ownership and a shiny, attractive social network could place Facebook back into the Myspace/Livejournal/friendster hell.
Source: The New York Times
